Former President George Bush Reassured Several Times He’s Not Dead Yet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Friends, family, and longtime aides to the Bush family have repeatedly had to remind former President George W. Bush that he is not the President George Bush who died last week, and that he does not have to get into a casket and be buried.

“I can’t figure out why I’m still here if I died. Is this heaven? Did I not die yet? Is that the deal, Laura? The papers all said President George Bush died,” Dubya was overheard telling his wife Laura this weekend. “I may not be a smart man, but I do know what death is!”

Mrs. Bush apparently took the next several hours explaining to her husband how names work. She told the Iraq War overseer that there is a “really big and important difference” between her late father-in-law and her husband. Namely — their middle names.

“We call you Dubya, George. Do you remember why,” Laura asked George.

Scratching his head, George shrugged.

“Because that’s my middle name — Winnifred,” he said. His wife quickly corrected him. “Oh, right, Walker. My bad. I always forget my middle name on account of there being so many letters after the W.”

Laura explained to George that his father was George Herbert Walker Bush, and he is named George Walker Bush. The distinction is important, Laura explained, because that’s one of the many ways George can remember who his father is, and who who is.

“The other way, dear, is to look in the mirror and recognize yourself, not your dad, staring back at you,” Laura explained.

Later in the day, via Skype, Dubya’s former second-in-command reassured him he’s still alive.

“George, I worked with both you and your dad and I can assure you, you’re the one who’s still alive,” Dick Cheney told Bush from am undisclosed bunker. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go throw the bodies of a few more 20-something year old boys and girls into the grist mill I had installed in the bunker; my whole compound runs on the blood of the innocent now, and not just metaphorically anymore.”

At last reporting, Mr. Bush has been adequately assured that he will not be buried in Texas at the Bush library later this week, however, he’s still very unsure what a lie-berry is, despite being hopeful it has the entire Clifford series for him to check out.

Bush and his father were the 41st and 43rd presidents respectively.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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