Genealogist Discovers Recessive ‘Beta’ Gene In People Who Violently Protest Accepting Defeat

Last week, America witnessed in horror as thousands of angry, bitter people stormed the capitol, vandalizing the seat of government and attempting a coup to stop the certification of Joe Biden as the next President of the United States. The mob that attacked Congress as it certified the Electoral College results from last November’s election has had more than two months to process their defeat, but while the insurrection on January 6th did not stop the momentum of a free and fair election, and Biden will indeed be their next president, the riot did make one thing abundantly clear — a whole lot of Americans are willing to throw violent tantrums instead of accepting that they lost an election.

Now, a scientist working in Idaho says she thinks she may have found a gene in humans that turns them into angry, foamy-mouthed sycophantic rage machines, and she’s ready to release her initial findings.

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“Last weekend, as I was doing the science-y things that we scientists do, you know, when we do science, and I happened upon something that I couldn’t quite understand at first,” Dr. Brooke E. Comstock told reporters this morning. “Further research confirmed it, though. I have discovered a recessive, or beta if you will, gene in humans that when activated turns us into full-blown domestic terrorists.”

Comstock, lead researcher at the University of Northwest Eastern Idaho’s medical school, said that it’s too early for her to tell whether the mutation she discovered takes place in the womb or sometime after the person who carries the gene is born.

“Whether or not this gene mutation is something that happens during gestation still has to be figured out,” Comstock explained, “but our initial tests show that direct exposure to toxic substances such as Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh greatly increase the likelihood of the mutation being present. As soon as we have more data, we’ll let everyone know.”

In terms of treatments, Comstock said that thus far her team has one found one that works reliably.

“You might not assume this, if you spent any time talking to someone with the mob mutation,” Comstock said, “but giving them some kind of trophy, even if they didn’t really win anything, calms them down. In the past, they’ve gotten presidential election victories, for instance, using the Electoral College alone, and that is by far the biggest participation trophy any of us have ever seen.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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