Merrick Garland Sends Neil Gorsuch Card Congratulating Him On Being Filibustered for the Supreme Court

GRAND LARCENY JUNCTION, COLORADO — Former Supreme Court Appointee Merrick Garland has reportedly sent Judge Neil Gorsuch an Edible Arrangement and card, congratulating Mr. Gorsuch on being filibustered by Senate Democrats, instead of being confirmed to the high court. Gorsuch was the first nomination of Co-President Donald J. Trump, after Judge Garland’s nomination was blocked for nearly an entire year by Senate Republicans, who currently hold a slim majority in the legislative body.

“Dear Neil,” Garland’s letter begins, “just wanted to drop a line and congratulate you on being filibustered! What a tremendous honor to be so very close to achieving what I know must be one of your biggest life and career goals — being rammed down the American peoples’ throats by the Republican Party and a delusional, conspiracy theory peddling pyschopath of a president!”

Mr. Garland had been nominated to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia on the bench by Obama, but Senate Republicans said multiple times they wouldn’t even schedule a single hearing for his confirmation. They made good on that promise, and last year Trump pulled the greatest upset in American political history, becoming the first orange-tinted president since James K. “Tangerine” Polk. Democrats in the Senate have pointed to Garland’s treatment, as well as some opinions Gorsuch wrote as a district court judge in Colorado they say showed a bias toward corporate America and against women and disabled people, as justification for their filibuster.

“Hey, at first glance it might be insulting that you are being filibustered,” Garland wrote to Gorsuch, “but take it as a compliment! I don’t even know what it’s like to even be filibustered, so you’ve beaten me twice already, it would appear.”

According to sources close to Gorsuch, the Edible Arrangement Garland sent contained several items. Among them was a 64-ounce bag of gummy penises. Garland’s letter explained the candies in the post-script.

“P.S.,” Garland wrote, “you’ll also notice a scrumptious bag of dicks. I’m pretty sure you know what to do with them. I just wanted to let you know I chipped-in with Barack, Joe Biden, and about 130 million people who elected Obama twice thinking he’d get to pick the Supreme Court Justice replacements as long as he was in office. They apparently didn’t take kindly to having that pick stolen from them so you could achieve your dream. Enjoy!”

The White House declined to comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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