Gaetz Wants House Republicans to Make Trump’s Balls Next Speaker

Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) is working hard behind the scenes to convince his fellow House Republicans to give his handpicked choice for the Speaker’s gavel, instead of Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California.

Despite predictions of a “red wave” giving Republicans a strong majority in the House, and perhaps even taking back the Senate in last year’s midterms, Republicans are holding onto a scant margin in just the lower chamber of Congress. An internal battle has broken out over who will be the next Speaker of the House when the vote is held later today. Gaetz and other “America First” Trump loyalists are looking to punish Leader McCarthy for his perceived lack of loyalty to the former most powerful tax cheat in the world.

Gaetz, according to several D.C. area rumors, reportedly wants to make McCarthy’s punishment as personal as possible. During a closed-door strategy session with his fellow White America First Republicans, Gaetz apparently made the case for a rather unorthodox nominee to replace former Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Wall Street).

A member of the Freedumb Caucus spoke to us on the condition of anonymity and a lifetime NRA membership.

“Matt made it pretty clear he thinks the way to really stick it to Kevin is to force him to see former President Trump every single day at the office. So he told us we should just nominate Trump’s balls for Speaker, since that’s who most of us most want to cozy up to anyway. As long as Ted Cruz promises to stop polishing Trump’s knob for a few hours a day, it sounds like a great idea to me. Matt made a pretty good point that if we put Trump’s balls in the Speaker’s chair, it would be the first time he’s won a popular vote, too.”

Gaetz is, however, also reportedly looking into whether or not the Electoral College or the Clarence Thomas can step in and name Trump’s balls the next Speaker of the House, should the votes simply not materialize to make it so.

“One way or the other, Matt’s going find a way to spend loads of time with Trump’s genitals before the 2024 election cycle. He knows with High Priest Pence out of the running, Trump will be looking for a new running mate, and Matt is almost as excited about the prospect of being the vice president as he is about prom season in South Florida.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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