Matt Gaetz Says ‘Trump’s Bootyhole Had the Dewy Essence of Victory’ After Final Debate With Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Matt Gaetz, a Republican from Florida, makes no bones about his support for President Donald Trump. His loyalty is complete, his devotion to his party’s de facto leader is full, and his efforts in Congress have revolved mostly around signalling his support for the president, attempting to gain the audience and favor of President Trump.

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Those efforts to get on Trump’s good side have largely paid off. Even though Trump called Gaetz “Rick” instead of “Matt” more than once at a recent campaign even in Florida, there is no mistaking that Rep. Gaetz is among Trump’s most outspoken and loyal servants in the legislature. That loyalty grants access to the president for Gaetz, and this morning he told reporters he was close enough to Trump to be with him after last night’s debate with Joe Biden.

“HI I’M MATT GAETZ AND I SPEAK AT THE SAME HIGH VOLUME NO MATTER WHERE I AM OR HOW MANY MICROPHONES ARE LITERALLY INCHES FROM MY DRUNKEN FACE,” Gaetz said as he stumbled up to a press stakeout in the capitol rotunda. “AND I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU ALL HOW OUR GREAT PRESIDENT DID IN LAST NIGHT’S DEBATE! HE CRUSHED IT! I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM JUST ABSOLUTELY NAIL IT LIKE THIS BEFORE, AND HE NAILED IT HARD!”

Gaetz puled a flask from his left breast pocket. He opened the flask, and proceeded to take a large swig. When he had swallowed the contents of the flask, he closed it and put it back into his left breast pocket.

“I AM TELLING YOU, TRUMP WAS MASTERFUL LAST NIGHT! JUST ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN’ MASTERFUL,” Gaetz shouted. “HE WAS SO RESTRAINED. HE RAMBLED SO PRESIDENTIALLY! HE BROUGHT UP RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN SO PERFECTLY! HE SHOWED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO HE IS, AND HE CERTAINLY SEEMED TO BELIEVE HE WON, AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!”

Congressman Gaetz reached into his right breast pocket and pulled out a different flask. Opening this flask, he drank its entire contents, gulping like a toddler at the drinking fountain. Gaetz wiped the excess scotch from his lips before continuing.

“I SAY THIS WITH ALL SINCERITY AND HONESTY. PRESIDENT TRUMP’S BOOTYHOLE HAD THE DEWY ESSENCE OF VICTORY,” Gaetz said. “IT JUST TASTED LIKE A SOLID WIN! AND CORN NUTS. AND BIG MACS. BUT MIXED IN WITH THAT CORN NUT AND BIG MAC FLAVOR WAS 100% ALPHA MALE WINNER ENERGY, AND I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT.”

Gaetz then stumbled off, telling reporters he was headed to John Kasich’s old bar he had installed in a cloak room in the rotunda.

“I AM GOING TO GO GET MORE DRUNKER NOW,” Gaetz shouted back at the reporters, “BECAUSE I’M MATT GAETZ AND I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS LIKE A DRUNKEN IDIOT!”

There is just over a week left before Election Day.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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