WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) might not know a lot about sobriety, personal hygiene, not having creepy relationships with so-called “adopted sons,” or in recognizing incompetent D-list reality TV con men when he sees them, but one thing nobody can deny is that Gaetz has a gift for political theater.
Gaetz made himself famous in the early days of the pandemic by wearing a gas mask on the House floor to mock representatives who wore face masks to help prevent the spread of covid-19. Qongressman Gaetz became a fixture of President Toadstool Dong’s first impeachment hearing, going so far as to barge into a secure hearing once and order pizzas for delivery. Gaetz may get nothing done in terms of passing legislation, but in terms of doing things for publicity, few are more successful.
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Today, Gaetz announced his next big stunt.
“This weeknd, come on down to Dick’s Lake in Florida, that is if your blue state governor isn’t literally holding a gun at your head, forcing you to stay inside until we all die of socialism,” Gaetz invited Americans everywhere, “and you’ll see something truly spectacular. I am going to own the libs like nobody ever has before!”
Referencing two topics that conservatives currently contend are examples of “cancel culture,” Gaetz teased that he’ll “give those libtarded snowflakes in their coastal elite enclaves something to cancel” him about.
“I’m gonna lube a MISSES Potato Head — because in this country we’re free to live our lives as we choose as long as we pick one gender to identify with and never waver from that choice,” Gaetz said, “and I’m gonna fuck the hell out of that ‘tato. It’s gonna be amazing.”
Gaetz stopped to pull a flask out of his pocket. He opened the flask. Qongressman Gaetz then emptied the flask down his gullet, burped, wiped his mouth with an American flag, then continued.
“That’s not all, Patriots! I’m going to fuck that ‘tato Head, make no mistake,” Gaetz stammered, “but I’m gonna take owning the libs to a whole new level! I’m gonna read all the racist stories Dr. Seuss wrote, and all the racist things I just came up with myself about twenty minutes ago before we started this press conference!”
Gaetz will do his performance art act as part of a fundraiser for the Republican House Majority PAC, and entrance to the event can be purchased starting at $1500 a person.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.