Republican Party Developing Its Own App for Sex Payments

The Republican Party has begun work on developing its own proprietary payment app, which it will require politicians in the GOP to use when paying for sex.

“Recent events involving a certain tall-haired, loud-mouthed, drunken congressman out of Florida demonstrated a need the GOP had for its own app to pay sex workers for their services,” RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel said during her appearance on Fox News this morning. “We think PayForSexPal will be a great tool for our elected officials to use when they need to keep their sex payments safe, secure, and away from the prying eyes of the fake news anti-MAGA press.”

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PayForSexPal is being designed by one of the top tech firms in the Bible belt, McDaniel divulged. The GOP estimates it can save millions of dollars in bank fees each election cycle thanks to PayForSexPal.

“We knew that only a red state company with red state values could truly understand what will be required to make PayForSexPal a success,” McDaniel said. “There has to be a level of rank hypocrisy and incorrect assumption of the moral high ground built into this payment platform from the ground up, and we found the right company to deliver just that.”

When launched, PayForSexPal will work on Android and iOS platforms. The idea is that when a Republican pays for sex using the app, PayForSexPal will transfer funds from the offshore account or campaign fund of the particular politician’s preference. Then, once the money is transferred, all record of the payment is erased, once a copy is sent to the Kremlin for safe keeping of the kompromat.

“Republican sex hypocrisy is as American as apple pie and racism at this point,” McDaniel said, “so rather than fight it, we want to embrace it. Let’s embrace the future, and make it easier, faster, and more secure to pay for the illicit sex you’re about to have than ever before!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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