Matt Gaetz Blows .18 on Breathalyzer After Barging Into Closed Door Impeachment Hearing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly after he and several other Congressional Republicans broke into a closed door impeachment hearing, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) was administered a breathalyzer and reportedly the results revealed a blood-alcohol content of .18. In most states, Mr. Gaetz’s BAC would be high enough to bar him from driving a vehicle. Capitol police are reportedly giving Mr. Gaetz cups of black coffee, and he has, according to several sources, asked for staffers to “round up some coke” so he can “bump [his] way sober.”

The chaotic scene, with Republicans flouting House rules to make a political point, represented a new and more confrontational phase of the Republican attack on House Intelligence Chairman Adam Schiff and the Democratic impeachment investigation. (CNN)

For the last several days, President Donald Trump’s supporters in Congress have been complaining that Rep. Adam Schiff, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, has been running impeachment hearings in closed door, non-public settings. Despite the Constitution giving the House sole discretion as to how impeachment proceeds, some Republicans are maintaining Schiff is denying Trump due process. Democrats have pointed out that the impeachment investigation itself is due process, and Schiff has indicated some public hearings may be possible in the future.

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In every single hearing, public or not, Republicans on the relevant committees have been present. 

Today, Gaetz, Rep. Gym Jordan, and several other Republicans from other committees barged into the deposition of Deputy Assistant Defense Secretary Laura Cooper. Gaetz and his cohorts demanded that they get to sit in on the hearing. Gaetz and others were accused of breaking several security protocols, as the hearing was being held in a secured location meant for the discussion of classified information, and some have even suggested that when the Republicans brought their phones into the room, they put national security at risk.

A source in the room said that as the witness, Cooper, was sitting down to testify, the Republicans stormed through the room’s three different doors. Rep. Bradley Byrne of Alabama was yelling at Schiff, but the California Democrat did not engage, the source said. Other Democrats, including Rep. Val Demings of Florida, shouted back at both Byrne and Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas, who were yelling about the process. (CNN)

As he came stumbling out of the hearing room, capitol authorities detained Gaetz on charges of “suspicion of performing an act of political theater under the influence.” Gaetz was administered a breathalyzer as part of his congressional sobriety test. The test was developed back when John Boehner was Speaker of the House, using his drinking habits as the model.

“Boehner would crush a pint of scotch a day and still oversaw more than 50 show votes on repealing Obamacare,” on Hill staffer told us. “So he was sort of used as the benchmark of just how drunk a congressional representative could be and still do their job of not really doing their job but pretending to do their job by acting like grandstanding is doing their job.”

Reportedly, Gaetz was irate that he was given the test, and swore revenge on the officers who gave it to him.

“Dooo you know whoIam,” Gaetz slurred. “I’m g’dam Matt Gaetz, okay? YouknowwhoIknow? I know the g’dam president okay, pal? An’ I’ll call ‘im. I’ll call ‘im right now, and you’ll hafffta tell him why you’re detaining me for this bullshit, okay? You wan’ me to do that, oss-ifer? I’ll fffuckkin’ do it. I will!”

Many of the Republicans who burst into the deposition first started tweeting as if they were in the room. However, once several commenters and experts started asking why the broke major national security protocols by bringing their phones in, Gaetz and others started claiming that staffers were tweeting the updates.

“I don’t know how I was able to tweet what I saw in the room without a phone, okay you cucks,” Gaetz said a few hours later, having sobered up enough to be released on his own recognisance. 

Reached for comment, President Trump said he was “bigly pleased” with how “Grima Gaetz” behaved.

“I’ve said all along this is a fake witch hunt and that, legally speaking, you can’t use the fact that I, or Mick Mulvaney, openly admitted to a quid pro quo,” Trump shouted at reporters as he paced back and forth on the White House lawn. “I’m going to send Gaetz, Jordan, and all the rest of MY congressman and congresswomen a treat. That’s how you train good little doggies, I’m told. You give them praise and a treat.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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