Fuming Fiorina to Ben Carson: I’m the Liar, You’re The Dumb One!

MORANVILLE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Several sources close to both campaigns are confirming at time of publication that 2016 Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina is fuming mad at fellow-candidate and current front runner Dr. Ben Carson.

According to an email sent from Fiorina to Carson on her AOL account, which was provided to the media by anonymous Carson aides, the former Hewlett Packard CEO is hopping mad that, in the words of the email, Carson has “hijacked” Fiorina’s “shtick.” The email complains that when Carson admitted that he lied about a West Point scholarship in his bio that he “irrevocably robbed” Fiorina of “what voters came to know [her] for — lying through [her] teeth.”

“Dr. Carson, I find it highly insulting,” Fiorina’s email states, “that you would steal my thunder. You have hijacked my shtick, and you need to cut it out.” Fiorina later tells Carson that “the arrangement we made with the RNC was that I’m the liar, you’re the dumb one.” In one passage, Fiorina vents frustration at “having held up [her] part of the bargain with all the ridiculousness over the Planned Parenthood videos” only to have Carson “do an end around” and “steal away the liar crown.”

Fiorina’s email claims when Carson “came out and had to change the story about stabbing a friend” that was a red flag for her. But when Carson had to outright admit the scholarship was a fabrication, “that tore it” for Fiorina. She also suggests that Carson “brush-up on [his] stupid, because it’s not quite stupid enough” to inspire Republican voters. “You haven’t compared a single thing to slavery in over a week, Ben,” her email says, “and that’s the kind of rationality and sanity you are not supposed to be putting on display.”

“Ben, you better get back out on the trail and stick to stupid,” the letter concludes, “because I have put in too much hard work lying about bullshit videos and Obama’s economic record with women to have you horn-in on my territory. I don’t care if you have to go out there and claim that you think that dinosaurs roamed the Earth with mankind and that you think the Easter Bunny is goddamn real.”

“You get there and say stupid shit,” Fiorina’s email concludes,”or so help me I will tell one of the best lies ever about you. And rest assured, you will no longer be the front runner. Get back to being stupid, dude, it’s what you do best. Lying is my bag.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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