WASHINGTON, D.C. — Perhaps its current occupant is still unwilling to face facts, but the simple truth is that on January 20th, 2021, a new couple will move into the White House. Reportedly, the cleaning staff at the president’s residence has been forced to get a jumpstart on the process of cleaning and preparing it for the arrival of President-elect Joe Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, and the crews are reporting that it could take much, much longer to ready the White House for the Bidens’ arrival than it has taken them to prepare for any other transition in presidential history.
This morning, the White House cleaning staff issued a statement, advising incoming President-elect Biden that he “may want to stock up on nose plugs” before he is sworn in.
“Mr. Biden is advised as of this day that he may want to stock up on nose plugs for himself, First Lady Biden, and his entire staff and administration,” the letter states, “because are at this time unable to give an estimate as to when or if the stench of stupid can be fumigated from the White House. We have, to date, used some extremely powerful cleansers, and no matter what we do, there is still a lingering odor of idiocy that we can’t quite eradicate.”
It’s not just stupidity that has left a malodorous mark on the White House. Cleaning crews report that there’s a distinct tinge of Big Mac and KFC in the air as well. They state it could take years to get the White House back to how it smelled before Trump took office. In particular, the White House cleaning staff is suggesting that Biden may want to completely get rid of “anything your predecessor sat in.”
“His farts are legendary, and every time he gets angry and yells, the pace and stinkiness of the farts increases exponentially,” the letter states, “so if you’re smart, you’ll consider burning any piece of furniture that was graced by his voluminous booty cheeks.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.