ALERT! The Free Market Just Cured AIDS And Cancer All On Its Own!

The American Medicinal Association of America has just made a stunning and likely world-changing announcement — AIDS and cancer have both been simultaneously cured forever. Stunningly, the AMAA says that it wasn’t the communal efforts of medical research funded largely by taxes that went to various research universities and private labs, but the American free-market capitalist economy that “magically” cured them, according to a press release.

“We are pleased to announce,” the AMAA’s press release begins, “that as of this day forward, AIDS and cancer are hereby to be moved to official Cured status. At this time, it appears that nothing we in the medical research community did through our years of tireless research, performed by using your tax dollars as donations to research hospitals and university medical programs. Instead, this miraculous development is thanks wholly and completely to the free market.”

Dr. Harper Monroe, Chief Research Manager at the AMAA told reporters at a press conference held later that she was “surprised” by the fact that her team’s years of hard work and dedication “didn’t mean nearly as much as the invisible, almighty hand of the free-market capitalist economy.” She did mention that she thought the people she’d worked with for decades to find answers and cures for AIDS and cancer deserved “at least some credit,” but said she understands now that “nothing is as powerful, magnanimous or benevolent” as the free market.

“When I started looking at all the cured samples I had in front of me in the lab this morning,” Harper said, “and after we determined it was nothing but the free market that cured AIDS and cancer, I was struck so deeply that I started to do some historical research and a lot of Googling, and what I found — thanks mostly to alt-right websites and right-wing think tanks like Cato and The Heritage Foundation — is that for every problem mankind has ever had, the free market fixed it perfectly, and without any pressure from either the government, or silly liberal social justice warriors.”

Asked for some examples of other problems solved only by the free market, Dr. Monroe produced her iPad and rattled off a short list.

“World hunger, world peace, the American slave trade, the slave trade in general, racism, homophobia, transphobia, the common cold, uncontrollable farting, mild incontinence, acute incontinence, halitosis, child molestation, homelessness, Jim Crow, women’s suffrage, child labor, domestic abuse, and the unavoidable expansion of the Universe into oblivion have all been fixed or resolved through no other forces but the free market,” Dr. Monroe said, “at least according to all the Internet sources I could find. And as a trained scientician in the sciencey fields of science, I can tell you that you should trust everything you read on the Internet.”

Dr. Harper paused for a moment.

“Seriously. Everything. On the Internet. Is true,” Harper said, finishing her press conference, doing a double-backflip into a somersault, after which she tap danced off the stage, into the arms of Bigfoot.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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