Fox News Now Offers a Convenient Russian Language Audio Feed for Pro-Putin Viewers

Executives at Fox News have given their approval to spend the funds needed to establish a new audio feed for all their broadcasts, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation.

Beginning this weekend, Fox News viewers will be able to listen to their favorite white nationalist host in three languages — English, Spanish, and Russian. A decision was made earlier this week to begin providing the third option for those wishing to hear broadcasts in their future mother tongue. Reportedly, because their hosts so often side with Russian President Vlad Putin over U.S. President Joe Biden, execs felt it was time to offer anyone in their audience who is pro-Putin the chance to hear their broadcasts as Putin himself does.

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We spoke to one Fox News employee on the condition of anonymity, and asked for their insights into this development.

“Most of the hosts are pretty pumped. Of course, Laura Ingraham would rather have her show broadcast in early 20th century German, but she’s still excited that her audience will have an even deeper, fuller experience now,” our source said.

“The only guy who’s a little miffed about this is Sean Hannity, but I think it’s a big misunderstanding. He thought he would have to learn his scripts in Russian, and he’s just barely literate enough in English to read his copy in that language. Everyone else is really very excited. Judge Jeanie is probably the most excited though, because she’s convinced this means she’ll get a sponsorship from a Russian vodka company, which means all the free booze she can drink. Not that she needs it to be free to drink it on air, of course.”

In a statement, Putin praised Fox News for their decision, and promised all his “loyal and loving fans in America” would not be disappointed by what they hear.

“I can promise you that whether you hear it in English, or Russian, you’re going to love what you hear! How can I be so sure? Because the hosts will just keep reading the scripts we already write for them,” Putin said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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