NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sources close to the production have revealed that Fox News is close to finishing the preparations for their 2016 presidential debates. There is no denying that the Republican field is already quite crowded, with well over 280 names already in consideration, and some other notable names still yet to officially declare. The glut of candidates had initially caused some concern for the Republican National Committee. After all, how would so many candidates even fit on a debate stage, let alone get enough time to make their views known? That’s when executives at Fox News had the idea to make the debates both “more lively” and “narrow down the field more quickly,” according to one highly placed executive within Newscorp.
“We decided a cage match would be the best option,” Mitch Fredericks told reporters at a press conference over the weekend. Fredericks is the Chief Collusion Officer of Newscorp and his major job duties include logistics coordination with the RNC. “The Republican Party and Fox News have a very symbiotic relationship,” Fredericks would later say, “and after much deliberation with the RNC, we came to the conclusion that stuffing all of the candidates into a ring, covering the ring with a massive metal cage, and letting them just beat the ever loving snot out of each other until one candidate emerged from the ring victorious would be far easier than trying to help the public by showcasing the candidates’ views and opinions.”
The fact that a cage match would likely prevent any serious discussion from taking place is something that Republican National Committee Reince Priebus, when reached for comment, says is “funnily enough a good thing.” Priebus says that their “polling shows the less our candidates talk during the primaries, the better” and that “if they’re all too busy smacking, body slamming, and wrestling each other” the crowded field won’t have time to make head-scratching statements that frame a rape as a positive thing for anyone involved. “We won’t be labeled the homophobic, ignorant, party of stupid if we’re too busy beating the shit out of each other, won’t we,” Priebus asked rhetorically.
Fredericks told reporters that because of the size of the candidate pool, even the cage matches would have to be broken down into divisions. The top-tier division will be called “Viable Candidates” and include anyone that has even a shot in hell of carrying enough battleground states that President Barack Obama won in his 2012 landslide victory over Mitt Romney. The second tier will be called “Not a Shot in Hell” and will include candidates that rank and file Republican voters think have a chance, but in reality will not be remotely capable of actually winning. “Think Ted Cruz,” Fredericks said to reporters. “Think Carly Fiorina. Think Rand Paul. Think Ben Carson. Okay, so pretty much think about roughly 99.9% of the current declared field; that’s who’ll be in that division,” Fredericks told the press.
The final division is the “LOL” division and it will pretty much feature Sarah Palin and Donald Trump slap-fighting each other. “That division is strictly for the candidates that have no business running for president, let alone running a paper route,” Fredericks told us. He said that had the cage match system been in place in 2012 that Michele Bachmann would “totes have been in the LOL division.”
“In a perfect world, we wouldn’t be a party in a major identity crisis,” Priebus told the press. “We have a ton of voters who are literally dying every day. The wing of our party made up of those people is stubbornly holding us in the 18th century to which they want to go back. We have a libertarian wing that mostly wants the same things as the older regressives, but they want their pot and they don’t generally care of gay dudes get married. Of course, throughout our party we have religiously dogmatic sycophants who genuinely believe liberal Democrats are mentally ill and going to Hell. So what other choice do we have than to put on a goddamned circus of a campaign, starting with a cage match instead of a debate,” Priebus asked the reporters.
According to Fredericks, all the candidates have agreed to the cage match because “they’re attention whores” and “they know if they want to keep getting campaign donations for the rest of their life” they need to play by the rules that Fredericks and Priebus come up with. “If we’re going to be traveling clown car of morons, we might as well give the people some high-quality entertainment at the same time.”
One candidate, Senator Lindsey Graham, was particularly excited about “squaring off with that beefcake Scott Walker” who Graham says “may not be able to win an election, but sure can swing an erection” out of any “red blooded patriotic man.” Aides for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie say that their boss is still mulling whether to enter the contest, but that he’s been training regardless. Rand Paul’s campaign says that their candidate has not only been training, but he’s been training in a style he himself made up — working out in a meat locker, using hanging frozen cow carcasses as punching bags, and running in the streets of Philadelphia with urban youth until he climbs a giant set of stair and yells “ADRIENNE!”
The first cage match debate is set to air on Fox News in August of this year.