Fox News Picks Up “Roseanne” For Season 11

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Under considerable pressure from President Donald Trump, Fox News announced this morning it was going to purchase the rights to air “Roseanne” from ABC, and new episodes in the next season will air later this fall.

“I have reached out to Rupert personally and asked him to hook Rosie up with a new spot on his network,” Trump said. “As my state propaganda outlet, they know they have no choice, but I wanted to do the thing with the pleasantries and the whatnot.”

Yesterday, actress and alleged comedian Roseanne Barr got herself into quite a bit of controversy when she joked about former Obama administration official Valerie Jarrett looking like a character from the “Planet of the Apes” film franchise. For many, many years comparing a person of color like Ms. Jarrett to an ape other simian animal has been widely accepted as racist and pejorative. However, Ms. Barr claimed the joke was about Jarrett’s “politics.”

Despite Barr deleting the offending tweet and apologizing to Jarrett and “all Americans,” ABC moved on the matter quickly and within hours of the tweet, “Roseanne” had been cancelled. President Trump called this a “disaster and clearly part of the deep state coup” against his presidency.

“The mainstream press just couldn’t handle Rosie’s bigly ratings and had to find any excuse to fire her,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today. “And I mean any excuse. Even one so flimsy as Roseanne being horrifically publicly racist.”

Fox News has never had a sitcom on its airwaves, but executives say they’re not worried about that fact.

“Our news is scripted by the White House,” one Fox News exec told us, “so we’re definitely not strangers to that whole concept. It’s just that usually the comedy on our channel is unintended, so this will be a change in that regard, no doubt.”

In a statement, Ms. Barr thanked the president and Fox News for this “new chance at a third impression.”

“I’m thrilled and honored to be working with Fox News,” Barr said.

As confident as she is of her success, however, Barr says she does have some concerns about her show’s new home.

“I am a little worried that my racism is a little too overt for an audience that is used to the dog whistle kind, but we’ll work all that out, I am sure,” Barr wrote.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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