Exclusive! Leaked Fox News Job Offer Letter For New Female Employees

At most companies, when someone is hired, they are given an offer letter that discloses the terms and conditions of their employment. Things like salary, vacation days, and general job duties are typically discussed within the offer letter. Fox News is like many corporations in that they send offer letters to new employees, however the news agency apparently also separates the letters they send to females from the ones they send to males. In an exclusive to this website, an anonymous source in the Human Resources department at Fox News has sent us the following female job offer letter template, which they claim Fox sends to all its newly hired female employees.

Dear Sweetie,

Fox News and its parent company Newscorp are pleased to offer you the position of _________, within our highly-respected, fair and balanced news network. We are so very excited to have such a great dame with your special and unique assets on our team. Your salary will be _____% of the male who most closely matches your job description. Your expected hours of work will be ___ through ___, from ____AM/PM to ____AM/PM.

We understand that women-folk take a little longer to get ready for on-camera time than males do, so we’ll provide you with your own key to the females-only wardrobe and makeup rooms. Your security is our number one concern, so we have positioned cameras in a 360-degree fashion around both rooms. This way we can keep an eye on them and ensure no one breaks in on you while you are changing your clothes, a time where your titty/boobies may be out and exposed. Our cameras ensure your safety, please do not tamper with and/or disclose that they exist.

Female Fox News employees should come to work freshly showered, but if they forget to do so, don’t worry! We will provide you with fully-ventilated shower facilities. The venting holes in the shower stalls are there for your safety — we don’t want too much steam building up, after all. Please feel free to avail yourself of the shower facilities, even if you’ve already showered that morning.

The Fox News grotto will be open every night from 8pm to 3am. Each female Fox News employee is expected to attend at least three mandatory parties in the grotto per year. The schedule for the next month’s appearances will be emailed by the 25th of the current month. Please be prompt, and wear something to dazzle us.

In addition to your regular job duties, all females who are employed at Fox News are also expected to accept the following additional terms and conditions of their employment with the news agency that is most synonymous with good, clean, upstanding, ammo-hoarding, American patriotic family values.

  • During production meetings it might be necessary to do a “line” or “bump” of cocaine off your boobs, IN A RESPECTFUL WAY.
  • You may be asked to get into swimwear and pose with various semiautomatic weapons.
  • If any of our male anchors or staff get handsy with you, please report it immediately. To do so, write out an email, print it, then put it in the special receptacle for complaints marked “Paper Shredder.”
  • Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. In the bathroom. After you’ve gone pee.
  • Never, EVER make eye contact with Bill O’Reilly. He can suck your soul out that way.
  • Show us your tits!
  • Fraternization between employees is discouraged, except during normal office hours

We look forward to meeting you when you come in for your orientation. Please bring two changes of clothes, an updated head shot, and a list of the sexual positions you’ve still yet to try on the day of your orientation. Thanks, and we welcome you working your way tothe top of us/our organization!


Skip Welsley
Executive VP of Female Resources
Fox News

Fox News could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This