Fox News Contributor Trying Hard to Simultaneously Insult Caitlyn Jenner But Gloat Over Her Being a Republican

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Frank Higgenbottom is a very, very confused man. At least this is according to Higgenbottom himself. Frank, a 55-year-old semi-frequent Fox News contributor, says that he can’t “make up [his] mind” how best to comment on Bruce Jenner’s transgender transformation to Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn of course made huge, international headlines with her stunning Vanity Fair cover photo and interview inside the magazine’s pages just about a month after a televised interview that was taped before her transition. During that interview, Jenner revealed that she is actually a Republican, and not a liberal Democrat as many on both sides of the aisle might presume.

“I mean, I want to dog her out for choosing to take control of her own gender identity and live more comfortably in her skin, because that weirds me out and I’m a conservative…we hate being confronted with things that don’t fit in our preconceived notions of human existence. But, she’s also a Republican so I really want to lord that over Democrats, liberals, social Marxists…you know, evil people who aren’t real Americans,” Higgenbottom complained to our reporter. “I mean, does anyone out there understand what a conundrum that puts someone like me in,” he asked rhetorically. “How am I supposed to simultaneously insult Caitlyn Jenner and infer she’s a Goddless, amoral freak when she belongs to my political party?”

Mr. Higgenbottom says he comes from “the old school of politics where it’s my team versus your team” and that this dynamic makes it hard for him to “slice out the political rhetoric” and “simply view someone like Jenner as a brave person trying to confront her own journey through life and perhaps at the same time.” Higgenbottom said that “when you work in conservative media, the agenda reigns supreme” which he says is “uber-ironic” considering that “we accuse the liberal media of injecting their bias and agenda all the time, sneaky huh?”

“I just hope people really understand the paradox we’re in now,” Higgenbottom said. “Our viewers absolutely rely on us to tell them the most important aspects of a story. Now I’m confused. Am I supposed to harp on the fact that Jenner is a weirdo, a non-normal, or am I supposed to focus on the fact that Jenner is a Republican and gloat about it?” He took a long pause. “I guess I’ll just have to do both. I guess I’m lucky our viewers aren’t really conditioned to recognize our blatant hypocrisies.”

Higgenbottom also warned that he’s “not the only one who will struggle with this oxymoron of a situation.” He says you could see the confusion in the network’s coverage of Jenner’s story in the first place. “There my colleagues were, talking about Jenner’s story as if it was the end of all times. They were making horribly offensive transphobic jokes. And yet, they were also quick to point out that Jenner’s a Republican. We are so confused in conservative land about how to handle the modern era. Do we embrace Jenner so we can troll the left? Or do we reject Jenner because we feel icky about the transgender process out of nothing more than pure, unadulterated willful ignorance?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question,” Higgenbottom said. “So I’m just going to do what I know to do thanks to my Republican principles — speak out of both sides of my mouth and pretend I’m doing nothing of the sort.”