NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Anonymous officials at Fox News are confirming to several media outlets that a compromise has been reached with the roughly 125 other Republican candidates that are polling out of the Top 10 for all announced 2016 GOP presidential candidates to get some air time in a debate. Fox made waves earlier this year when they announced that in order to handle the historically large number of officially announced candidates that they would be limiting their first debate dais to just ten contestants, and those contestants would be chosen out of the most popular ten candidates, using various polls to determine the group. Many who will not make that cut have shown disdain for this policy, but in an apparent move to appease them all, even those who have “a smaller chance of winning the nomination that Ted Cruz has of finally finding his humanity,” said one Fox News executive.
“What we’re going to do is take all the candidates who fall out of the top ten by the time we have the first debate, put them on a big stage in an empty auditorium, and let them go at it,” the Fox exec told The Political Garbage Chute. “No holds barred, no time limits. If Carly Fiorina wants to do a tap dance or Rick Perry wants to shoot ping pong balls out of his pee hole, we will not stop them,” the executive continued. He told us that Fox “understands that a lot of Republican voters just want to feel like they aren’t the laughing stock of people outside our media bubble” and that “just putting these extra bozos on stage and giving them air time should satisfy the wing-nuts.”
The Fox News official we spoke to told us the programming will begin with a montage of edited footage from undercover sting operations of Planned Parenthood conducted by The Center for Medical Progress. We were told that “over 55 hours of video footage was edited down to a tight, two-minute package that shows various Planned Parenthood officials negotiating the sale of baby parts, or at least they were edited to give that interpretation of course.” After that, it’ll be a 20 minute medley of “God Bless America,” “America The Brave,” “The Star Spangled Banner,” and “2Legit2Quit” by MC Hammer.
“Then, the fireworks can begin,” our Fox News mole told us. “We’re hoping to see Pataki just lose his shit. No one has lived until they’ve seen Georgey boy just letting loose on immigration.” The executive said that secretly they’re all hoping that Ted Cruz also drops out of the top 10 after the computations are complete because “nothing makes for good conservative television like a pedantic ideologue more in love with himself than the oxygen he breathes.”
This second debate, tentatively titled “The B-Team Debate Moderated by An Inanimate Rock,” would be held at the same time as the regular debate, but broadcast later, when it can be “edited down to just the most entrenched and intransigent sound bytes about gay marriage, immigration, poor people and minorites.” The debate will also be the first to feature no questions from either an audience or a moderator.
“Let’s face it, our voters aren’t really interested in hearing what the candidates have to say about each other’s ideas,” the Fox exec said, “they just want to hear the rhetorical red meat. Welfare Queens, lazy presidents, taking back the country. Those kinds of things. So we said to ourselves, ‘Fuck the questions, let’s save some money on a moderator and just put a big rock on stage with them.’ So that’s what we did.”
Joining the B-Team on stage will be a randomly selected rock, according to several sources. It’s unclear at the time of publication where the rock will be chosen from, but RNC chairman Reince Priebus is said to have an extensive collection of pet rocks. “I’m sure Reince will bring one of his favorites, polished or not, and we’ll just plunk it right down on stage. Maybe Fiorina will get so pissed she’ll heave it at someone, or maybe Rick Perry will think it’s a real pet and try to feed it kibble! The possibilities are endless with this bunch,” the anonymous Fox source told us.
“Look, let’s be real here,” the source said as he was ending the conversation, “of all the candidates, maybe two have even a remote shot at beating whoever the Democrats put up. If by some miracle it’s Trump, then the Dems could borrow the rock from us, and it would beat the GOP. So whether we put all 1200 of the candidates on one stage, or break the debates up into 52 smaller, weekly debates leading all the way up to next summer, it doesn’t matter, man. The real question is going to be how much crazy shit comes out of these peoples’ mouths that they can’t take back when the primary’s over. We’re doing our part to give everyone a chance to say really dumb things that tank them in the general election.”