Fox News No Longer Gives Anchors Choice of Being Paid in Dollars or Rubles

For years, Fox News has given its top anchors a choice between having their paychecks deposited in American dollars, or Russian rubles. Now that western sanctions have punished Vladimir Putin and the circle of oligarchs who run Russia, however, leaked emails reveal that Fox is no longer giving their anchors a choice.

Reprinted below is an email this outlet obtained from Fox News executives to the management teams of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Tucker Carlson.

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Please be advised that the sanctions put on Russia have changed circumstances enough to where we can no longer deposit rubles into your accounts directly. If you have any connections on the other side of the world who can still get you rubles, feel free to try. However, we must warn that from what we’ve heard the intelligence community is watching wire transfers to and from Fox News quite closely these days.

We trust you understand, and we apologize for any inconvenience this change in policy might cause. 

Со всей любовью и уважением,

Fox News Mgmt.

Reportedly, each anchor has had a different reaction. According to sources, Hannity wasn’t too worried and told co-workers all his money gets automatically spent on a special subscription to Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans account, a deal he made with the former First Lady’s father.

“In exchange, Sean told us he gets to stay for free at any Trump resort he wants, and he’s gotten used to not buying food and instead living off nutrients he gleans from the former president’s butthole,” a source told us.

Ingraham, once the email was translated into 1930’s-era German, was not thrilled about the policy change, but decided “not to make a big fuss,” another source told us.

“Frau LoLo is very sad, but she has enough Nazi gold stashed away in various Swiss accounts that she’s not too worried about this policy change,” Ingraham’s spokesfascist told us in a telephone call.

It was Tucker Carlson who apparently took the news the hardest. Upon receipt of the email from Fox brass, Carlson, according to a third source, howled with anger, printed the email, shredded it, and then immediately made a long distance phone call.

“I’m not sure who Tuck called, but he said he needed to speak to the Big Guy in Russian, and then spent the next fifteen minutes crying harder than the time he saw a black man driving a nice car without being pulled over,” the source reported.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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