Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse ‘Really Looking Forward’ To Leading Trump Inaugural Parade

WASHINGTON. D.C. — Phillip Sampson, Michael McMarshall, Henry Richards, and Grant Harper are known more famously as a group than as individuals. Billed as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” Sampson, McMarshall, Richards, and Harper have been kept on retainer by Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc. for “special occasions,” according to the group’s management team. This week, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will make their North American debut riding at the front of Donald J. Trump’s inaugural procession.

In a statement released by the Horsemen, they express their “warm gratitude” to Trump for the invite, and say they are “very much looking forward to finally fulfilling” their duty.

“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a name synonymous both with top-notch entertainment and being the harbingers of great calamity,” the statement reads, “and so it is with a commitment to both those things that we humbly and graciously accept Mr. Trump’s offer to lead his inaugural parade down through the streets of Washington, D.C.”

Upon hearing the news that the Four Horsemen would be leading his parade, Trump told aides he was “pleased but not surprised.”

“Many people have told me,” Trump told close confidants according to unnamed sources, “that once I’m president people will line up around the block to do what I want them to do. One friend of mine in another country, I don’t know which country, but let’s just pick a random one off the top of my head. Oh, I don’t know…Russia. One friend of mine in Russia, we’ll call him Mr. P, because I like it, okay? I like ‘P,’ quite a lot. Tons of people know how much I love ‘P,’ really.”

After forty-three minutes of rambling incoherence, our sources say Trump never found the original thread of his commentary, but shrugged and turned to a camera filming his transition team as part of a reality-TV show in development with NBC. He smiled from ear to ear, and winked as he spoke.

“It’s good to be da king,” Trump said.

Other celebrities taking part in the parade will be America’s favorite blonde racists Ann Coulter and Timmy Lahren, America’s favorite racist TV chef Paula Deen,  and America’s favorite stand-up comedian and former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. There will also be white robed and hooded men tossing out candy and little flaming crosses to the kids watching the parade. Trump himself will be carried on a gold throne, while hot, thick streams of the soda Mello Yello will shoot over his head.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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