Fortnite Promises New Patch Won’t Take Away Game’s Key Feature of Turning Your Tween Into an Angry Maniac

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — The designers behind the battle royale smash hit video game Fortnite plan to push a new update patch to all their servers in the next few days. While the patch will mostly be used to address minor bugs the player community has alerted them to, Fortnite’s team sent a special email out to everyone in an attempt to assuage any fears about the patch breaking the game.

“When we made our deal with Satan to make this game so hugely successful, we did so understanding how important a very key feature was to the Dark Lord, and frankly, to us, too,” the email reads. “We know very well how much parents have come to rely on our game turning their tween into blood thirsty, foaming mouthed, stark mad, raving angry maniacs, and we will always preserve that vital gameplay element.”

Fortnite will “continue to offer gamers’ parents the unique opportunity to see what their kids’ most toxic and tribalistic tendencies are,” after the patch.

“Shouting obscenities at each other is just the tip of the emotionally charged, abusive iceberg! Our game will always offer your tween an exciting digital playground with which they can give in their baser instincts,” the developers’ email states. “Because that’s the kind of game you want — a game that lets your kids become totally and completely unglued.”

The new Fortnite patch will roll-out to users starting early next week. Any parents who notice their tweens aren’t as aggressive, emotionally unstable, or downright Lord of the Flies-ish, is encouraged to roll back the patch and re-attempt the update at a later time.

Fortnite is a registered trademark of Household Cancers, Inc.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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