Flynn Asks Putin To Be A Reference On His Résumé

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours after resigning as National Security Adviser, General Mike Flynn tweeted that he was going to “need a new job soon” and was looking for references to put on his updated resume. The tweet raised some eyebrows because it seemed to imply that Mr. Flynn was expecting Russian President Vladimir Putin to be such a reference.

Flynn’s tweet didn’t mention a last name, but it did name check “Vlad.”

Reporters caught up with Gen. Flynn as he was unloading his baggage at the airport, presumably about to board a flight out of the nation’s capital. Flynn’s shirt was untucked, he hadn’t shaved for a day or two, and several members of the press pool thought they smelled cheap Russian vodka on his breath. He did, however, stop to answer a few questions.

“Look, I did the right thing and I quit,” Flynn said, “that’s all that matters. We just need to stop asking questions now and presume I’m the only really guilty one. The last thing we need to do is keep peeling back this onion. Trust me, comrades, there’s really nothing more to this story.”

One reporter from The Seattle Times and Observer asked Flynn why he thought the Trump administration kept him employed when they knew for about a month that he had lied to them about his calls with Russian emissaries in December. Flynn shrugged. He stumbled for an answer.

“I don’t know about all that,” Flynn said, “I just know I’m out of a job now and need to start making some money. So I sent out a tweet saying I needed to be able to use some people as references is all.”

Gen. Flynn confirmed that the “Vlad” in the tweet he sent was in fact President Putin. Flynn said he and “Vladdy go back” many years. He knows, Flynn said, that Putin will do his best to “find another job” for him.

“If he could get me hooked up with a White House gig,” Flynn said, “there’s no telling what Vladdy can do in other arenas. I haven’t heard back from him yet, but I have every confidence he’ll help me. Why would he just let me twist in the wind, you know, like he’s hoping I’d be some kinda guy to take a fall for everyone else, like a guy who falls, you know? What do you call that, again, a guy who falls for others?”

Flynn said before he left town, he’d be getting his favorite meal from the airport terminal food court, once more for old time’s sake.

“I’m having a nice patsy melt,” Flynn said, quickly recovering, “I mean a patty melt. PATTY melt. Sorry about that. Tongue got twisted.”

The Trump administration was too busy sending a dead-eyed Kellyanne Conway on morning show circuit, vainly trying to put out the fire from Flynn’s resignation, to comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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