WASHINGTON, D.C. — While visiting the flooded areas of Texas still reeling from the impact of Hurricane Harvey, Melania Trump made headlines with her fashion choices. Many were bewildered by her decision to wear what looked like stiletto heels while touring the devastation in the Lone Star State, though her defenders were quick to point out Mrs. Trump had a change of shoes with her. But another fashion choice she made created quite a few headlines. Melania was seen in a black hat that read “FLOTUS” on it.
“We were thinking these hats would help Trump supporters tell the difference between Melania and Ivanka,” one White House source speaking on the condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A sandwiches told us, “and frankly the way the president speaks about his daughter it was confusing for a lot of the staff here too.”
Some have speculated as to whether or not Trump will sell the FLOTUS hats online, as he does with other Trump-branded merchandise related to his being president. Sources are unable to confirm that, however, they are reporting that some intense palace intrigue was stirred up earlier in the week when a box of the FLOTUS hats were mistakenly delivered to the wrong offices. Instead of them arriving at Melania’s office, they appeared at Ivanka’s.
“Ivanka thought they were a gift from her daddy,” another source told us, “You know, like everything else in her life, she thought this was just yet another thing her father had given her without having to make any effort herself.”
Things took a turn for the explosively melodramatic when Melania came down to Ivanka’s office. Mrs. Trump was there to ask Ivanka if she could borrow a stapler and some construction paper so that her husband could be kept busy making crafts while adults ran the country. Suddenly, Melania the box of hats and asked Ivanka why she had them.
“Daddy’s always telling me I’m the top girl in his life,” Ivanka was overheard saying, “or does he call me his Bottom Bitch? I can’t remember anymore! But it would make sense if I was his First Lady, wouldn’t it? I mean, I know I come first with him, that’s for sure.”
Melania was reportedly angry and hurt. She summoned her husband to the office. About twenty minutes later, the president appeared in the doorway with a bucket of fried chicken under each arm. He asked the ladies in the room what was going on.
“What’s going on ladies,” Trump asked.
Melania explained that a box of her hats got delivered to Ivanka by mistake.
“Oh you think it was by mistake,” Trump asked, “I mean, YES OF COURSE IT WAS. Totally by mistake, honey. You know it. Good call. Certainly weren’t sent here on purpose by someone, absolutely. So smart, so bigly smart.”
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Mrs. Trump asked Ivanka to give the hats to her. But Ivanka wasn’t sure she wanted to hand them back. Ivanka looked to her dad for help.
“Well, she might as well keep them now, right honey,” Trump said, “I mean, they’re already here in the office.”
The First Lady fumed. She knew those hats were about her, and not Ivanka. But she was afraid of being sent to the warehouse where the president retires all the mannequins who once called themselves his wife.
“Okay, fine, Don,” Melania said, “But I’m moving back to New York. I’m tired of this cray cray shit.”
Ivanka stopped Melania on her way out the door.
“Wait, Melania,” Ivanka said.
Melania turned back.
“Yes,” Melania asked.
“Here, I packed your bag for you,” Ivanka said, producing a fully packed, luxury suitcase, “about 12 years ago, when you married my father. Don’t let the doors on Air Force One hit you where the good lord split you, Not Mommy!”
This story is developing.