FLINT, MICHIGAN — Though the Space Force has yet to begin accepting applications for service, 38 year old Hank Stephens says he intends to submit his as soon as the enrollment period begins.
“I had no idea when I was playing Little League that I’d one day get the opportunity to go to Mars,” Hank told us. “Really, I didn’t even have a clue about it; didn’t even register with me as something to do.”
But then, the water supply was found to contain extremely toxic levels of lead, which was making people in Flint sick, and even killed a few. He was sure that the U.S. government would step in and help, even if his state’s government was too busy trying to write laws to regulate female reproductive rights to help Flint get clean water again. However, over time, it became apparent that help wasn’t coming.
“Then I read a story that said we found water on Mars,” Hank said. “Now, I don’t know if that water is drinkable, and I know we don’t have the technology to make to Mars and back yet, but I have to try. It would seem that flying to Mars to get drinking water for Flint is easier than our president closing Twitter for a few minutes so he can direct resources to get us clean water.”
Stephens says that even though he isn’t at the top of his class, and that he doesn’t get the best grades in math or science, he should be suited for the Space Force.
“I mean, if a multiple draft dodging conman can be our president, why can I join his Space Force? That’s how I see it anyway,” Stephens said. “Besides, I’m not stupid; I can learn. So there’s one way I’ve got a leg up on the commander in chief.”
Hanks says he has a cousin who lives in Puerto Rico, and she wants to join the Space Force too.
“She’s wondering if Mars has some source of power, and she’d like to bring back clean water to her family and friends too,” Hank told us. “Hopefully she gets accepted. I’m sure everyone down there would be grateful for her doing what their government clearly is unwilling to do, which is actually help.”