CLEAR LAKE, FLORIDA — When John Fleur read in his local newspaper that a gun range in nearby Daytona Beach was going to start serving alcohol to their customers, he knew his own gun retail store and attached practice range, Clear Lake Bang Bang and Boom, would have to do something to draw customers in as well. Over the last few weeks, he’s seen gun range owners declare their shops “Muslim-free zones,” he’s seen gun ranges open up next to churches, and now with the range in Daytona serving booze, it was clear that firearm retailers were getting more and more creative in their marketing campaigns, and he needed to do something for his own store, or he might be run out of business.
Fleur told The Political Garbage Chute that as he and his wife looked at what everyone else was doing, they realized that “a lot of these marketing ploys are meant to make gun nuts feel better about being gun nuts” and that “most of them pretty much just made guns less safe” as well as “blatantly promoting ideas that might lead to more accidental shootings, not less.” So that’s why Fleur decided to “throw the ball 90 yards down field” and start using actual, human targets in the gun range attached to his shop, and he too will also be serving cocktails, spirits, and wine to his customers.
“We figured, why not just get right down to it, stop doing things that could obviously lead to people getting shot by other people,” Fleur told our reporter, “and just let people shoot other people right there and then.” Mr. Fleur said he was just looking to “shorten the amount of time [his] customers had to wait between buying their gun and discharging it into another person. “Statistics show that owning a gun dramatically increases the chances of that gun being used to hurt you or your loved one,” Fleur said, “but for a lot of gun enthusiasts and nuts the suspense of knowing just when they’re going to get to shoot at a living human being is just too much to bare. So I want to give them that experience right away. Also they can get fuckin’ tanked while doing it! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
According to Mr. Fleur, starting September 1st, patrons at his store who wish to visit the gun range will be given a choice between traditional paper targets or human targets. The humans will either be living or dead, as Fleur has made a deal with a local morgue that will have any John or Jane Does sent to Clear Lake Bang Bang and Boom in exchange for a portion of the profits. But live targets will be provided by patrons as well. Volunteer targets will be given helmets and kevlar vests and they’ll be asked to sign a waiver stating they don’t hold Fleur or his store and range responsible in case they’re shot in a place not protected by armor.
Fleur said he was excited to get a call from NRA Vice-President Wayne LaPierre who told him “the only way this could be better is if you could guarantee that only gun grabber libtards would be the live targets,” which Fleur said he’d look into. “We don’t want to kill these people,” Fleur said, “we just want drunk, amped-up gun lovers to fire a few rounds at them. What could possibly ever go wrong with such a great plan like this,” he asked our interviewer rhetorically. When asked if the State of Florida was okay with his new business model he laughed hard and said, “The operative word in that sentence is Florida,” and didn’t say anything else.