FiveThirtyEight: 92% Chance Americans Will Consider 2016 Winner A ‘Total Douchebag’

FiveThirtyEight, the website run by super-whiz mathematician Nate Silver, has analyzed the data from over 300 different opinion polls and concluded that no matter what the outcome in this fall’s presidential election, there is a 92.2% chance Americans will think of the winner as a “total douchebag.” In an email blast sent out from FiveThirtyEight, Silver explains that “the simple fact is that a lot of people don’t like Hillary Clinton, but even more people really don’t like Donald Trump.”

“This election has a really interesting thing going for it,” Silver wrote in the email, “and that’s the fact that both parties’ presumptive nominees would have a hard time getting someone to pee on them if they were on fire. And by the way, we found a poll question where that question was asked, and 95% of respondents said they purposefully stay dehydrated just in case they come upon Donald Trump literally on fire.”

For the purposes of their report, FiveThirtyEight came up with four classifications that voters typically used for both Clinton and Trump — total douchebag, fuckface, asshole, and rich/out of touch total douchebagfuckfaceasshole. When all the tabulation was complete, Silver writes that it was “pretty conclusive” that the overwhelming majority of Americans will consider whomever wins the election a “total douchebag.”

“Initially we thought some of the more harsh names for them would have stuck,” Silver writes, “but it appears that even this subject doesn’t quite rile up Americans enough to slough off their malaise and apathy. In fact, we found one poll conducted by The Des Moines Democrat that found a whopping 99% of respondents giving the election so far an overall rating of ‘Meh.'”

In the email, Silver lists several reasons why he thinks that for the most part Americans will loathe whoever happens to win in November. Among those reasons were “Americans’ rock-ribbed commitment to partisanship,” “a general feeling that both nominees are not even remotely connected to the reality most people live,” and “because one person is so two-faced you can’t tell if she’s lying to you or lying about not lying about lying about not lying, and the other candidate is a walking, talking shart in an unconvincing toupee.”

FiveThirtyEight has correctly predicted the outcome of the 2012 presidential election, as well as most of the mid-term election results since 2010.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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