First World Country Club Considering Booting U.S. Over Gun Violence

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sam Giffords, President of The First World Country Club — an exclusive league of countries that all share the distinction of being an advanced society — held a press conference late this week and announced that the FWCC is considering dropping the United States of America over its “persistent inability to act like a First World Country and address its clear and obvious mass shooting problem.”

During the press conference, Giffords conceded to reporters that the problem of mass shootings in America doesn’t surpass other health crises in numbers, just yet. “Yes, statistically it’s still rare to be killed in a mass shooting in the U.S.,” Mr. Giffords said, “but it’s also become more and more statistically rare to die in a car accident every day because of safety regulations, so let’s not go pretending you can’t fix a problem with laws.” Giffords said that part of the First World Country Club charter states that member nations must “act like they have the economic and intellectual acumen to tackle any issue with nuance and respect for all sides concerned,” and that the United States was “falling woefully way off that mark,” even though plenty of evidence can be seen of regulations helping shift the social consciousness of a populace enough to effect change.

“Look at how low the rate of death associated with smoking is,” Giffords pointed out before asking, “what if we had applied the same shall not be infringed mentality on cigarettes?” Giffords went on to say that “laws were enacted that didn’t smoking illegal, or possessing a pack of smokes a felony they just limited who had access and gave a bunch of great educational material to the masses so they could evaluate the risks for themselves.” He insisted, “if the gun lobby would let them, the U.S. government could do the same thing with guns.”

As the presser was ending, Giffords gave a litany list of the reasons that the U.S. can “barely be called First World anymore,” in his opinion.

“First World countries don’t have gun violence problems like the United States has,” Giffords insisted, continuing to rattle off in rapid-fire succession more reasons for his views, “First World countries don’t turn a blind eye to a growing problem of mass shootings, they address the problem as best they can. First World countries’ streets don’t look like war zones because they have a Swiss cheese structure to their state gun laws. First World countries don’t throw their hands up and claim mental health problems or even gun restrictions themselves cause more gun violence. First World countries don’t ignore studies that show the laxer the gun laws and the higher the gun ownership, the more likely you are to die being shot. Oh, and First World countries also tend to socialize health care costs to make sure poo people still get quality care, but that’s a whole other ball of wax I guess.”

The Obama Administration released a short statement in response to Giffords’ comments. “Yeah, pretty much,” the statement said in its totality.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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