BURNS, OREGON — Sources very close to the scene of a militia takeover of a Federal building in Oregon say that the FBI and other government law enforcement agencies are treating the case like a sexual assault in progress.
“With all those penile compensatory utilities up there,” one source said, “we had no choice but to call this a sexual assault. In the common parlance, it’s an outright gang-rape.” That source said that once the number of firearms involved in any incident reaches more than a dozen, federal regulatory guidelines dictate they must classify the incident as a sexual assault. “These backyard commandos that seized the building in Oregon clearly have more guns than sense, and usually that means they feel some kind of need to over compensate for something,” another source told us, “and that something is usually feeling like their penis isn’t good enough, or that they need something to declare definitely their penis is at least adequate.”
Federal authorities tried to explain to the media why they classify events like this one as being a sexual assault. “Obviously you have a lot of guys with a lot of need to feel like an alpha male,” Deputy Junior Security Analyst William Sable told reporters at a press conference early Monday morning, “waving a phallic symbol around as they do it.” Sable said that as far as he can tell, “maybe [the militia] bought into Bircher rhetoric” or “maybe it was all the ‘take back America’ stuff from talk radio and presidential candidates,” but that “whatever the case, they decided to whip it out and try to coerce the federal government into a compromised position, to say the least.”
“We can’t say at this time what the charges will be,” Sable said, “but we’ll definitely be tacking on at least one charge of assault with a deadly penis analog to every single militia member who doesn’t lay down their arms and come along peacefully.” Mr. Sable told the reporters gathered that a multi-agency task force would be given the job of determining the number of sexual assault charges to file, and that each militia member’s inventory of guns will be used to make those calculations. “The bigger the guns, and the more guns they have,” Sable said, “the stiffer the sexual assault charges because clearly there’s something that person is trying to make up for in the groin gift region.”
“The simple fact is that you can’t see that many guns wielded by that many men and not feel like they are trying to make up for feeling inadequate on some level,” Sable said, “and so we wanted to be realistic about what we were charging these kinds of sad, lonely, delusional and paranoid men with. So we’re going with sexual assault. Unless of course they open fire, then it’s just assault assault. But until then, they’re basically just waving their dicks around like a pathetic loser in a trench coat, so that’s how they should be treated in the eyes of the law.”