NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This morning, federal agents served a search warrant on former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s Manhattan apartment.
As the agents were serving a warrant on an active investigation, not very much is clear at this time in terms of the context of the search. However, sources close to the situation have leaked a few details. It’s unclear what evidence agents discovered in Giuliani’s apartment, however several million dollars in receipts were apparently catalogued.
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“Among the various items found in Mr. Giuliani’s apartment, agents were able to record millions of dollars in receipts,” our anonymous source told us, “for products such as Gas-X and Just for Men. There’s nothing illegal about buying products to reduce public farting, or to make people think you don’t have gray hair until the dye starts dripping down your farting face. However, it’s possible that agents may try to track down where Rudy got the money for these expenditures.”
Federal agents also seized boxes full of gift cards for the pro shop at Mar-A-Lago, as well as a crate of Russian vodka and a cell phone that only had numbers for various ousted Ukrainian officials in it.
“Obviously we cannot comment on any ongoing investigations,” our source relayed, “but one thing we know for a fact is that Mr. Giuliani is well-aware of how gassy he is, and how gray his hair would be without the assistance of dye.”
Mayor Giuliani has reportedly retained the services of attorney Jenna Ellis, who he said is “uniquely familiar with [his] rectal expulsions.” Mr. Giuliani will also reportedly add Susan Powell, the rat-faced scarecrow who tried to convince America that Hugo Chavez returned from the dead to install Joe Biden as president, to his legal team in the coming days. Powell, appearing on OAN, previewed some of her thoughts on the case.
“Well, Jack, let me tell you something — the first kraken I released may have been a dud,” Powell said, “but this next kraken will be something that shakes everyone to their very cores. This kraken is — wait, I’m sorry. I meant to say I will be smoking crack with Marjorie Taylor Greene a few hours now. But trust me, I’m a real life lawyer and will have real life lawyer things to say when I represent Rudy.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.