Before Election Day, FDA Rushing Approval Of Alt-Right Republican Butthurt Medication

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Food and Drug Administration announced today that it is responding to what it has seen on social media channels, and will be rushing approval of a new topical ointment for “extreme Republican Butthurt” following the presidential election this November.

“The FDA has been monitoring the Republican Butthurt outbreak very closely,” Dr. Hank Jones told reporters this morning. Jones is the Vice-Chief of Drug Approval for the FDA and said that the agency has been growing more and more alarmed at how many Republican voters and people within the Donald Trump campaign that are floating the idea that the election is rigged, just because the polls all look like the country is headed to a pretty large landslide in favor of Trump’s opponent, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Then, Trump tweeted the following, and Dr. Jones said he knew the “time was nigh” to get an experimental drug the FDA’s been working on since the GOP nominated Trump officially this summer.

“When we saw the Republicans nominate Trump,” Dr. Jones said, “all of us at the FDA knew that an absolute onslaught of cases of RBH would be diagnosed. People for some odd reason thought Trump had a legitimate shot at winning. This is the guy who hates Mexicans so much he calls them all rapists, and they think they can win an election where the non-white vote is so huge? Of course they were going to experience epidemic levels of butthurt over this.”

The new drug, Getoveritall, was designed as a topical ointment to be rubbed directly on the buttocks of anyone feeling butthurt over elections. However, Dr. Jones says that the FDA has known all along that Republican voters in particular would greatly benefit from the ointment, and as the fever pitch of alt-right voters claiming election fraud rose, Jones says he and his team knew the clock was ticking faster and faster.

“We knew we had to do something when more and more alt-right Republicans were screaming about rigged elections even though their guy won the same election’s primary,” Jones said. He added that American Republicans are “reaching peak butthurt levels.”

Jones warned that as the election draws closer, and the polls are looking like it’ll be an even bigger blowout than the FDA had initially anticipated,  the agency “knew [they] were facing pandemic levels of butthurt.”

“The same polls that show what a blowout this is going to be should also indicate to Trump voters that nothing is rigged,” Jones said, continuing, “but if it was a close call in the polls, then maybe you could say there’s a chance for some voter fraud to swing things. With so many more people clearly thinking Clinton’s a better choice, and the swing states lining up like they are, only a truly viral form of butthurt could make someone actually believe this contest is rigged against Trump. That’s the kind of butthurt we’re rushing to stop, before it’s way, way too late.”

Symptoms of Republican Butthurt include:

  • Believing everything they read on Breitbart or InfoWars is true, while reputable news organizations are part of the lamestream media attempt to hijack the election
  • Tweet-spamming antisemitic memes to people with vaguely Jewish sounding last names
  • Using the term “unskewed polls” unironically
  • Advocating repealing the 19th Amendment
  • Being an utter and complete asshole just because your party nominated an orange fascist gas bag instead of a human being this time

The FDA warns that without Getoveritall, it could take weeks, even months for the Republican in your life to get over “what an utter and complete shit show” their party is going to witness Election Night. More on this story as it develops.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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