NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Authorities this morning have fanned out across the nation looking for a man they describe as an “orange skinned egomaniacal terrorist” who they say assaulted the Al Smith Dinner. The FBI says they’ve been watching the suspect crisscross the country since last June, and that he has terrorized immigrants, Muslim Americans, and certain members of the media since last June. Bombing the Al Smith dinner — an annual event put on by a Catholic charity in New York City at which politicians from both sides of the aisle roast each other — was the “last straw” according to one highly-placed source.
“For months now, we’ve been tracking this guy,” one anonymous FBI source told us, “and he’s been terrorizing Mexican Americans, African Americans, progressive Americans, Jewish Americans, members of the press, women, you name it. There isn’t a single group this guy hasn’t attacked except white men of a certain age and a certain political persuasion.”
Another agent working in an Ohio field office for the FBI said that he’s seen the suspect in the Buckeye State “many times” since last June.
“He tries to come off as friendly and funny at first,” the Ohio agent told us, “but usually within 15 minutes he’s devolved into attacks on Muslims, the media, women, or pretty much whoever it is he thinks has wronged him that week. Typical terrorist behavior. Just blames everything else imaginable besides himself for his problems.”
An FBI agent in Florida told us that she’s seen the suspect several times over the last year as well. She said that at one time she was ordered to investigate his attacks on one of the senators from the Dong-Shaped State. Those attacks were well covered by the press earlier this year.
“He kept calling the senator ‘Little Marco’ and you could tell the senator didn’t know what to do,” the Floridian FBI agent told us, “so he just kept repeating the same talking points over and over, totally frazzled. It was a vicious attack the likes of which average politicians aren’t used to seeing.”
While the attacks perpetrated in the U.S. throughout the past year have been “disturbing” and “unprecedented” to an FBI operative in New York who was among the first responders to the charity dinner bombing, what she saw when she arrived at the Al Smith was “a debacle so horrific and embarrassing” she considered quitting the bureau to go work with man eating sharks, who she says are far more lovable and ingratiating than the orange faced charity dinner bomber ever could be.
“When I got there, he was still bombing the dinner,” FBI agent Helen Tabbar told us, “and it wasn’t pretty. He just kept digging in every time the crowd would react to one of his attacks negatively. I’ve never seen such terrible bombing, and I’ve been part of the terrorism task force for five years now.”
Surprisingly, the FBI has no plans to arrest their bombing suspect.
“We just figure that after, say, November 8th, we won’t be hearing or seeing him as much,” Agent Tabbar said, “though, let’s be honest, the loudest and stupidest among us never seem to really go away, do they? Then again, this guy seems to have committed some pretty egregious tax fraud, so maybe they’ll just end Al Capone-ing his ass when it’s all said and done. Who knows?”
So far, there have been no calls to ban immigrants from countries where people are predominantly orange, angry, and racist.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.