Fauci Warns Rand Paul With or Without a Mask, People Can Still Tell He’s a ‘Twat-Waffle’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One thing has become increasingly clear over the last year — Senator Rand Paul (Q-KY) has some deeply-held animosity toward Dr. Anthony Fauci.

In more than one hearing in the Senate, Senator Paul, who is an ophthalmologist that chose to start his own certification board when he couldn’t pass the official one’s exam, has criticized Fauci. In many exchanges, Senator Paul has implied that Fauci isn’t “following the science,” and is instead engaging in politics in his advice to Americans to avoid being infected with the covid-19 virus. This morning, once more Fauci was insulted by Paul who this time told him that he was only wearing masks after being vaccinated as part of “political theater.”

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Fauci pushed back against those allegations hard and told Senator Paul the studies he cited were incomplete.

Perhaps exhausted from months of trolling by Paul, Fauci appeared to reach a zenith of his patience and finally unleashed on the Kentucky Qpublican.

“You know what, Randy? You can pretend to be a real doctor all you want, and you can self-certify to your heart’s content, but you can’t accuse me of not following the science when you haven’t held a job that requires to be a scientist in a long, long time,” Fauci said. “You can call my mask theater, and I can call you a dumbass for not wearing a mask. A selfish dumbass, but a dumbass nonetheless.”

Before Senator Paul could respond, Fauci continued.

“And here’s the thing, you rat’s nest-haired bumpkin-ass-motherfucker,” Fauci pushed on, “wear a mask, don’t wear a mask. I-D-G-A-F. About you. Because with or without a mask, everyone can tell you’re a twat-waffle anyway. So go out, get sick again, go spread the virus to all your friends in the Senate at the gym again, Randy. Just know that when you leave a room, literally everyone rolls their eyes and calls you a twat waffle. Do with that information what you will, ‘Doctor’ Paul.”

A stunned Senator Paul spluttered, fussed, but ultimately just teared up and ran out of the room, like the little bitch he is. Dr. Fauci said he’d ask Paul’s neighbor to check up on him later.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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