Fauci Reminds Jim Jordan to Wear a Mask and Socially Distance When Ignoring Sexual Abuse

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During one exchange between Dr. Anthony Fauci and Congressman Jim Jordan while the former was testifying before a House select sub-committee on the country’s national COVID-19 response, Fauci pleaded with Jordan to remember to wear a face mask whenever possible.

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“Even when you’re, let’s just purely hypothetically Jim, let’s say, ignoring some sexual abuse,” Fauci said, “you should wear a mask if you’re at a gym and ignoring the sexual abuse of athletes. Just saying hypothetically, here, if you’re at a gym and some wrestlers are being sexually abused, and you choose to ignore it for years? You should wear a mask then.”

During the hearing, Jordan seemed intent on lambasting and criticizing Dr. Fauci for his public comments about major sports leagues, while supporting health mandates that forbid religious gatherings. Jordan tried to get Fauci to weigh-in on whether the government should limit Black Lives Matter protests to stop the spread of the coronavirus. Fauci dismissed the question at outside his purview as a public health official.

“Congressman, I just, I have to reiterate that I am a non-partisan health official,” Fauci pressed on, “so I can’t in good conscience answer some of your questions, which frankly seem like they’re just thinly-veiled attacks on my credibility. But what I can say without a moment’s hesitation is that if you find yourself in a situation where you’re ignoring the sexual abuse of college athletes, you should practice social distancing and wear a face mask.”

President Trump’s surrogates and defenders, like Rep. Jordan, have stepped up their attacks on Fauci in recent weeks as they try to coalesce around a president who is flagging in many major polls with less than a hundred days left before the election. It’s unclear whether these attacks on Fauci have moved the needle of public opinion, but that doesn’t seem to be a major concern of Jordan and others.

“Dr. Fauci, don’t you think that Donald Trump is literally the cure? I mean, don’t you think you’re hurting Americans by keeping them from being cured by the almighty, divine healing powers of our Dear President’s jizz,” Jordan asked at one point during the hearing. “I mean, if his cum doesn’t have healing properties, then I have to ask myself why I’m constantly guzzling it, know what I mean? And I’m not prepared to answer those kinds of questions.”

There was a long, long pause as Jordan’s final words left his mouth. Fauci seemed very unsure about how to respond. Finally, he cleared his throat and spoke.

“Okay, so, let me just say to that one more time, Congressman Jordan,” Fauci tread lightly, “that if you are going to be doing anything in public where there are people around, you should wear a mask and socially distance. Whether it’s protesting, going to church, or ignoring sexual abuse, you should wear a mask and keep your distance.”

As the hearing wrapped up, Dr. Fauci took the time to ask Jordan, one more time, to remember to wear a mask.

“Mr. Jordan, I just wanted to address something else, if I could. First, why do you never have a jacket? It’s weird. You’re a very weird man, and just so you know, we can all see the massive bald spot you’re trying to cover up on the back of your head,” Fauci said, “but aside from all that, again, I just have to ask you: please wear a mask. Even when you’re ignoring sexual abuse, Jim. Wear a mask.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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