After Fauci Reminds Americans Condoms Prevent STDs, Pro-MAGA Patriot Diagnosed With Syphilis

“I don’t trust a damn word that comes out of notorious Anti-Trumper Dr. Tony Fauci’s liar mouth,” white nationalist and pro-MAGA super patriot Matthew Palumbo told listeners to his podcast this weekend, “so when he got on the television box and started preaching his so-called science on masks, I didn’t listen, and instead I went everywhere I could, without a mask on. So what do you think I did when Commie Cuck Fauci told us all that condoms help stop the spread of STDs, fam?”

Last month, Fauci — who is one of the world’s most knowledgeable people on the subject of infectious diseases and became a household name during the COVID-19 pandemic — gave an interview to CBS news and was asked about a whole array of health-related issues. At one point while he was discussing the use of face masks, Fauci reminded Americans that changing their behavior for the sake of their health “is not new in any way whatsoever.”

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“I will remind the American people that we started pushing safe sex, and the use of condoms during sex, much harder after we really understood how the HIV/AIDS virus operates,” Fauci said, “and the reality is that condoms are used so much now. Condoms still help prevent STDs from spreading, and so I think face masks in public, at least while we wait for more data on how well the vaccines are tamping down on outbreaks, could be seen in the same lens as condoms.”

Matthew says he completely ignored Fauci’s advice on condoms, just as he did with face masks. After hearing Fauci suggest that Americans continue to practice safe sex, Palumbo went out and found sex partners who would allow him to have intercourse with them without wearing a condom. Palumbo also “hit up some ladies” from his past who he knew wouldn’t make a fuss about him wearing one.

“My cousin Sharice never had me put one on before, and I gotta say she didn’t let me down this time either,” Palumbo laughed, “even though she told me she’d just found out her ex gave her syphilis! I always knew her brother got around, but I had no idea Chad was such a ladies man! I’m just glad Sharice still didn’t make me wear a condom because she hates Fauci too!”

At the end of the show, Matthew said he had a “very personal announcement” to make.

“Just got a call from the free clinic I get all my healthcares done at, and I guess I got syphilis somehow, not really sure how,” Palumbo said with a shrug. “I don’t care though. It’s like I always tell you, fam: I’d rather my wiener get an ouchie than listen to that commiecuck Fauci!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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