Fat Albert Officially Files for Emancipation from Bill Cosby

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — Sources close the situation are confirming at the time of publication that “Fat” Albert Jackson, known around the world simply as Fat Albert, has filed for official emancipation from his legal guardian, embattled rapist and former comedian, Bill Cosby.

The papers, filed in Pennsylvania State Court reveal that Mr. Jackson is “dreadfully concerned” with the multiple allegations of sexual assault levied against Cosby, and that the impending legal action in the state against the comedian will cause “irreparable harm” to Albert’s acting career. “Mr. Jackson is permanently tied to Mr. Cosby at the present time,” the documents say, “and unless full, legal emancipation is granted, any and all ramifications of  Mr. Cosby’s sexual assault cases will have a direct impact on Mr. Jackson’s ability to provide a living for himself.”

“Hey, hey hey, I figured what with the arrest warrant out for Bill’s arrest and all,” Albert told reporters at a press conference outside the apartment building in North Philadelphia where he lives with the rest of the Cosby Kids, “that it might be best if I strike out on my own.” Albert said he doesn’t want to be affiliated with Cosby anymore because he is “horribly disgusted” by the “dump truck load of allegations” against the TV icon and serial sexual assaulter. Albert was referring to the fact that authorities in Pennsylvania have confirmed that allegations stemming from a 2004 incident involving Cosby and Andrea Constand will result in arrest warrant for the 78-year-old Cosby.

The news of the arrest warrant and charges being filed were what Albert called “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Albert told reporters he has “a brand to protect” and “if Bill wants to throw away a truly legendary career that’s his thing,” but that Albert himself wants “nothing to do with someone who shows no remorse about raping multiple women.” Jackson is “truly saddened about having to cut ties with Bill,” but that he’d “never be friends with a slimy, duplicitous, vicious, lying, sexual predator if they weren’t rich and famous,” and he doesn’t think he should “compromise” his values to stay associated with Cosby.

“He’s tainted everything,” Fat Albert said, “the Cosby Show, my show, even goddamned Picture Pages,” he said with anger in his voice. “Think about that, when you see Picture Pagesnow, it’s not just time to get your picture pages, it’s not just time to get your crayons and your pencils, it’s also time to make sure there’s nothing in your drink and that you have your pepper spray ready. He’s gone from lovable, slightly arrogant and curmudgeonly legend of comedy to rapist. Hardcore, serial rapist. Do I want to be a part of that,” Albert asked rhetorically.

Then, after a beat, “Fuck no, I don’t,” he said.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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