If We Can’t Fantasize Sexually About the Green M&M or Minnie Mouse, the Commies Already Won

The following editorial was written and submitted to The Political Garbage Chute by Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL). The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Gaetz, his child bride, and a rabid cult of sad, ignorant morons with direct genetic links to the confederacy. They do not necessarily represent those of this outlet, its ownership, or management.

They just can’t help themselves, can they? The communist-loving Woke Left just cannot help themselves. Once again, we are being robbed of one of our most sacred and hallowed American traditions, and we are the ones being mocked for drawing so much outrage and attention to the subject.

Well, I’m sorry, as a sitting congressman who will be soon sitting in a cell awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges, I have to say something.  I have to speak out, because one thing is clear as day: George Soros has worked with Chinese communists to awaken a libtarded army, hell-bent on destroying this country from within.

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Starting with our sexy female cartoon characters.

First, they stripped our beloved Green M&M of her sexy go-go boots. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent fantasizing about taking that M&M across state lines, fucking her, and then paying her for the trip with Venmo. Literally, I can’t tell you, because it was so frequent. Sometimes, I’d buy a bag of M&Ms, take all the green ones out, put them in a shot glass, fuck the shot glass, and then eat all the jizzy M&M’s.

You know, to own the libs.

If Mars, Incorporated literally de-gendering their green M&M isn’t bad enough, then last night I got news that Disney was once again acting like the Woketopian Gatekeepers of Communism and Cultural Marxism that they always are. Apparently, for the purposes of one, specific piece of merchandise, they’re forcing Minnie Mouse — sexy as fuck Minnie Mouse! — to strip off her iconic dress, in order to put on a PANTSUIT.

And who else famously wears pantsuits? That’s right. KILLARY CLINT-STONED.

So you can bet that if I’m still in Congress and not rotting in a Florida prison when we re-take the house, I will advocate bringing the full weight of congressional inquiry to bear on finding out if Hillary Benghazi’d something and got Minnie’s dress canceled.

Folks, we are at a nexus of crises here.

I must warn my fellow Americans: If we allow the libtards to keep doing this, if we let them keep taking away our sexy cartoon characters, AMERICA IS LOST. If we no longer defend the basic Christian values of corporate mascots we want to fuck, then the commies have already won! The nightmare would be never-ending.

Maybe that’s the America you want to live in, but not me. Freedom means letting me jerk off to and on any cartoon character I want, and it means keeping them designed in a stereotypically female way.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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