4,000 Feet Below Sea Level — In a rare tweet from Mark Zuckerberg, the social media giant Facebook has announced it will be eliminating all groups associated with, or related to spreading, flat earth propaganda from its social media platform. Mr. Zuckerberg cited, “as one of many reasons,” a young man’s suicide which occurred because the young man could no longer “live in a world of lies.”




The young man was a long-time flat earth advocate and flat earth shill on Facebook, primarily in flat earth groups. He was also known to post flat earth gibberish in recipe groups and dog injury groups as well, but that’s really beside the point. He was one of those people who really does believe the earth is flat. Well, he did until he died.

Prior to Zuckerberg’s ghastly online invention, flat earth believers were relegated to the street corner, taking high-speed nickels to the forehead as they ranted and raved while cautiously drooling away from the change cup. Today, these so-called truthers run myriad Facebook groups with 100,000 members or more in each of them. All of these groups combined have a membership of over 650 billion, and they can influence your grandma.

Mark Zuckerberg has made clear his intentions to change all that mass-stupidity, perhaps saving your grandma and drunk uncle in the process. “After all,” Mark explains via Twitter, “I see you all as my children, and I still have to protect you.” [Author’s note: When I commented how much that sounds like Koresh or Jim Jones, my boss, Louis, told me to stop being such a “conspiratard.” His Facebook account was immediately suspended.]

Though Twitter has since deleted Zuckerberg’s tweets, a few avid followers were able to grab screenshots of his announcement. @UponZuck27 sent us these:

Bethany Millbright, a Facebook spokesperson, told Gish Gallop via satellite on Thursday that, “As of August, 2018 all flat earth affiliated groups on Facebook will be permanently archived. You will be able to see the groups, but you will no longer be able to post or comment. We will also get your little public pages, too.”

When asked what the hell she meant by that Ms. Millbright replied, “Don’t question Zuck. Okay? Just… don’t.”