SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Facing mounting pressure after a slew of reputation damaging news stories, social media giant Facebook is in the midst of planning and implementing a total rebranding, including changing its name. Speculation began almost immediately about the new name Mark Zuckerberg and the rest of Facebook’s executive team would choose for his data mining and female hotness rating website.
Just after lunchtime today, Facebook officially put all the questions to rest. During a meeting with investors, Mr. Zuckerberg officially announced the new name.
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“Hello, fellow humanoids! My pleasure circuitry is informing me that I am feeling happy, and according to my internal database, it’s because I am going to announce our new name at this time,” Zuckerberg said in a recorded video message.
“We truly believe that when we roll out our flagship genocide enabling and profiteering social media app, WhiteNationalistDumpsterFireBook, it will truly revolutionize the social media game. We can’t wait for our entire user community to get to know the new and improved WhiteNationalistDumpsterFireBook.”
Mr. Zuckerberg indicated that while his company is changing its name, it’s largely a symbolic gesture. He assured hardcore, devoted users of the platform that much of what they love about Facebook will continue to exist on WhiteNationalistDumpsterFireBook.
“It’s true, you’re going to see a different name when you go to launch our app, but if you love racist, xenophobic garbage, WhiteNationalistDumpsterFireBook will still be the place for you,” Zuckerberg said.
“Nothing will change. WhiteNationalistDumpsterFireBook will still be the Internet’s premiere destination for anti-vaxxer disinformation, debunked electoral fraud conspiracy theories, and unrequested dick pics from Florida congressmen to underage Florida teenagers.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.