Exit Polling Shows Millions Of Americans Voted ‘Straight Fuck It All’ Ticket

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While the country and indeed the world sorts out the aftereffects and ramifications of how the Republican nominee was able to defy all odds and prognostications to become the 45th President of The United States of America, data analysts are hard at work on the exit polling data. The nation’s leading data analytics firm, DataTec, has released some very preliminary results of testing they did on yesterday’s exit polls. The results may be quite enlightening for some.

“Our data shows that approximately 59 million Americans went to the polls and cast votes for the Republican nominee,” Dr. Susan Meyers, DataTec’s CEO, told reporters this morning, “and all of them, literally all of them told us they were voting a straight ‘fuck it all’ ticket. Further polling data verifies this.”

Meyers said on a whole host of questions, people who voted for the Republican nominee “boldly embraced the fuck it mantra.”

“Environmental issues,” Meyers asked rhetorically, “had them overwhelmingly respond ‘fuck it.’ Racial equality? Fuck it too. Gender equality? Fuck it. The economy? Fuck it. National security? Fuck it. World peace and stability of NATO? Fuck it.”

For the next forty minutes Ms. Meyers listed off political issue after political issue and simply said, “Fuck it,” after each one.

“So basically,” Myers said, “no matter what the issue, nearly sixty million people decided the answer to other people’s plights is ‘fuck it.’ We don’t have any data on this, but we’re postulating that at some point the Republican will really, truly disappoint all the people who voted him in, and then the question will be how many Americans who didn’t want him to be president will them, ‘Fuck it.’ We estimate that number to be, roughly, all of them.”


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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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