WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite criticizing his predecessor throughout his term for using Executive Orders too much, President Donald J. Trump has shown no shyness about signing his own orders, whenever he’s seen fit to do so. This morning, Trump signed an order related to one of his favorite recreational hobbies — bowling.
“This one is, um,” Trump said, looking at the order as his chief of staff handed it to him, “oh, right this one. Okay, so this one is just basically saying any time I pick up a bowling ball in a game, my score is automatically to be considered the perfect 300. That’s great isn’t it folks?”
Asked by reporters why he felt the need to wield such enormous power in this situation, Trump laughed.
“We all know how important it is to have a perfect leader who can do no wrong,” Trump replied, “and there is no better measure of a man’s perfection, a man’s athleticism, or a man’s totally normal looking and functioning penis, than in a game of bowling. As we face this deadly virus, the country needs a perfect leader with a normal dong.”
As part of the order, companies that manufacture bowling balls are now all required to design and implement a ball called “The Trump Ball.” Though its weight is a normal 14-16 pound weight that adults use, the Trump Ball would be specially drilled for people with smaller than average fingers.
“I’m tired of showing up at bowling alleys and I have to use a little kid’s ball,” Trump said, “I want to have impact behind my rolls. And those tiny little balls just don’t do it. Besides, I don’t need to be reminded of, um, certain things, when I’m bowling. I want regular sized balls somewhere in my life, goddamnit.”
President Trump indicated there would be several more orders like this one to come, and that “the liberal FAKE NEWS press should get to used it.”
“I’m going to have all kinds of fun orders coming up,” Trump said, “like one where I make it so that you have to kiss my ring when I come into a room. Another where instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they have to play ‘Do You Know the Muffin Man.’ Fun stuff. Oh, also more stuff that’s anti-LGBT, anti-black, anti-female, but hey, why worry about those right now. Just enjoy the circus for now.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.