President Trump Signs Executive Order Officially Classifying U.S. As Alternative Christian Nation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite Republicans’ eight year criticism of former President Barack Obama’s use of executive orders, their newly inaugurated commander in chief has not been shy to write several himself in just his first week in office. One such order drew immediate and sharp criticism all over the political spectrum when it banned entrance into the country from seven Islamic countries, though curiously the country that all the 9/11 hijackers — Saudi Arabia — was not on the list.

Early Saturday morning, a groggy Trump was led down to the Oval Office, where he signed yet another series of orders, one of which he said he and his staff hope will “smooth any ruffled feathers” over his immigration restriction order.

“So, look, a lot of people have said that they don’t think it’s very Christian of us to turn our backs on people fleeing war zones,” Trump said, “and I have to agree with them. It’s also not very Christian of us to start the proxy wars that cause humanitarian crises either. So you know, if I’m being honest, I think that’s a fair criticism.”

Trump went on to list a few more ways in which the United States does not have a truly rightful claim to call itself a “Christian” nation.

“We constantly fight over whether to help the poor, not how much to help them,” Trump said, “and that would make Jesus angry I’d bet. We behave as if money is more important than anything else, and I know for a fact Christ would be pissed as hell at that. Then there’s how we treat immigrants in general, whether they’re Muslim or Mexican. The Virgin Mary was a poor, desperate woman looking for shelter in her time of need. So yeah, Jesus would hate us for that, for sure.”

So, Trump said, he and his advisers determined an executive order was necessary to “bring our nation’s catch phrases and slogans in-line” with the overriding attitude of the current administration and the GOP.

“This order will officially label the United States,” Trump said, reading the text of the order almost as if he’d read it for the first time and was improvising a meaningless little bit of words to go right before he put his signature to a piece of paper, “as an Alternative Christian nation. Because we are definitely Christian around here still, just you know, American style.”

President Trump explained the classification further.

“It’s really simple,” Trump said, “we’re an alternative to traditional Christian values. Our version of Christianity is very similar to the rest of the world’s. Just without all the hippy-dippy, love your your neighbor, bullshit, know what I mean?”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This