WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Political Garbage Chute has obtained a draft copy of the Republican response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address next week. This will be President Obama’s penultimate, seventh such speech. Each year, there has been at least one response from his political opposition, and most years there has also been a response from the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party. This year, the party’s official response is going to be delivered by freshman Senator Joni Ernst, who rose to national notoriety by playing up her past as a pig farmer who would castrate the Federal government like she used to castrate hogs.
Late last night we received an email from a Republican staffer who wanted us to see the speech Ernst intends to deliver after President Obama’s speech. The capitol is abuzz these days with activity, as the White House digs in to do battle with what will surely be a much more hostile and cantankerous Congress since the GOP took full control of both chambers a little over a week ago. It might be somewhat surprising that the Republicans would choose a freshman Senator to deliver a high-profile package of talking points to the entire nation, but sources close to the party point to past addresses given by Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio as being the low benchmarks necessary to think putting an ideologue like Ernst on TV will convince moderates to trust the party’s leadership direction.
Here now is the draft we were sent.
My fellow (NOUN) ,
What a privilege it is to speak to you tonight on behalf of the Republican Party. Let me first start by saying that everything you (PAST TENSE VERB) from President Obama is total and complete (NOUN) ! Not a single word of what said about (HOT POLITICAL ISSUE) is true or even jibes with what good, clean, (ADJECTIVE) Americans believe or want out of their government.
We Republicans simply understand that you just can’t trust this man. After all, if he can’t (VERB) about Benghazi, how can we trust him at all? It’s now been over two years since the assault on Benghazi happened, and what kind of (NOUN) just ignores an attack like that for over two years? Ask yourselves this question: When was the last time that communist from (COUNTRY OTHER THAN THE U.S. mentioned anything about Benghazi? It seems like it’s only the good, (ADJECTIVE) , God-fearing Republicans are still hung-up on this tragedy enough to waste even more money investigating it until we get the results we want.
Also, was I the only one (PAST TENSE VERB) by the fact that he didn’t talk about our historical personhood bill that will give full, constitutional rights to a (ADJECTIVE) little zygote? This is big news, Mr. President. The American people are tired of all the vaginae in this country running around half-cocked as if they own the joint. Speaking not just as a woman, but as a (NOUN) and a (NOUN) , I am outraged that I haven’t been forced to register my dangerous genitalia with the government yet, and we clearly do not have a president in the (NOUN) willing to push for it either!
Next, sure, the president and fully-trained climate (PLURAL NOUN) might agree that we are crossing dangerous climate thresholds, but did any of them bother to consult the most important book ever, The Holy (PROPER PRONOUN) before making these doomsday predictions? Of course not. I’m pretty sure the good word says very specifically that we are not, as disciples of Jesus, to be worried about whether the one single planet we have to live on can survive our (ADJECTIVE) way of ignoring obvious signs of danger around us and our (ADJECTIVE) obsession with profit over everything else. So, Mr. President, you need to crack open the Bible and learn how a real (NOUN) runs the country.
Finally, let’s talk about debt. And by talk about it, let me now spend the next (NUMBER) minutes scaring the (NOUN) out of you over something we keep predicting will be our downfall but has yet to do anything but convince a certain percentage of you to vote not in your best (PLURAL NOUN) , but rather in the best interests of those who have more money than God himself. Oh, we don’t have time for that? Okay, then I’ll just spend the next two minutes waving this American (NOUN) and chanting “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi” until the camera fades to black.
God Bless (COUNTRY) ! God bless the (ADJECTIVE) markets! And God Bless the Republican Party!