EXCLUSIVE LOOK! Leaked Details of GOP’s Top Secret Obamacare Replacement Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While most of the country has been captivated by the congressional testimony of former FBI Director James Comey and Attorney General Jeff Sessions as they relate to the ongoing FBI and counterintelligence investigations of Russian interference in last year’s election, Senate Republicans have been unabashedly working in secret on their own version of repealing and replacing Obamacare.

The Affordable Care Act has largely been the subject of scorn and derision from Republicans since its inception. It’s curious to some on the Hill, as the basis of the ACA was produced by conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation. But in the world politics, there are strange bedfellows and there are unforeseen adversaries. For much of the time Obamacare has been the law of the land, the GOP has knocked it for what they say the Democrats did to rush it through Congress. Though Republicans were able to offer more than a hundred amendments to the ACA that were adopted by the Democrats, Congressional Republicans have long trumpeted the talking point that they had no influence on a bill that was drafted and passed in secrecy, in the dead of night.

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Despite charges of rank hypocrisy for it, Senate Republicans have taken to hiding every detail of their new law under wraps. They’ve mostly succeeded in keeping the nuts and bolts of their plan out of the eye of the public. Until now, that it is.

This morning, dozens of independent news outlets were sent copies, anonymously, of a single sheet of talking points and facts about the proposed law. The source who sent the outline says that the details are “meant only for a 50,000 ft. view of the changes that will be proposed.” According to the document, Republicans plan to call their new law, “The Americans Should Only Have Healthcare If They Can Afford It Act,” and though the details that were released are spartan to say the least, a pretty clear picture of what their end goals with the legislation are.

You can see the details of the ASOHHITCAIA in the PDF below.

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Getting Republicans to talk on the record about what has been leaked has proven impossible. Just this morning, reporters from major outlets announced that new Senate rules bar them from conducting interviews in the hallways. It’s unclear how or when the American people will get answers from Republicans on any questions they may have about the ASOHHITCAIA. There was one aide who spoke on the condition of anonymity, though, who could only confirm the name of the act, and why its acronym is so long.

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“We couldn’t let the black guy’s be longer,” the aide said, “and his was only three letters. So we wanted to make sure ours was the longest it could be. Not that we felt inferior. At all. Of course we didn’t. We’re white conservatives. We feel superior to everyone, even when we’re caught in lies, hypocrisy, and outright failure.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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