WASHINGTON – The Federal Bureau of Investigations has announced that it will be forming a new task force dedicated to fighting what FBI Spokeswoman Samantha Mendacity-Jones calls, “a new epidemic in corruption, fraud and abuse” in certain locations throughout the country. That epidemic, says Mendacity-Jones, has forced the Department of Justice to ask the FBI to create the task force known as “GOP Gov Watch,” or GGW for short.
The GGW will be tasked with keeping an extra specially careful eye on states that have Republican governors. According to a pamphlet Ms. Mendacity-Jones provided The Political Garbage Chute, “the recent rash of legally and ethically questionable behavior by Republican governors has forced the FBI to begin a close-watch program aimed at curbing the culture of abuse, fraud and deliberate mismanagement of taxpayer money perpetrated by Republican governors throughout the United States.” The task force, according to the FBI, will have certain criteria that they use to determine if a more scrutinizing eye is needed in a state.
Some of the traits in Republican governors that the GGW will be trained to specifically look for are as follows:
– Extreme hubris/always making it seems like the media are the enemy and not the people abusing their power
– An intense and passionate rebuke of all government authority in public while privately leveraging the shit out of their elected office
– Pontificating on the need to rein-in government waste, fraud and abuse needlessly while slashing the state’s budget and tax revenues so drastically that the state plummets into an economic abyss
– Being a smug dildo-face about every topic except their impending legal woes
State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) was asked by the Republican National Committee to respond to this FBI task force’s creation. Thompaulsen says that the FBI is over-stating just how corrupt Republican governors are. “The fact of the matter is that these incidents are rare. I mean, outside of the former governor of Virginia being sentenced to two years behind bars for his corruption, Chris Christie’s Federal investigations in New Jersey, former Governor Rick Perry being put in trial in Texas for abuse of power, the multiple lawsuits filed against Florida’s governor Rick Scott, and Scott Walker’s ongoing legal troubles in Wisconsin, you harldy ever hear about Republican governors in legal trouble.”
Thompaulsen went on to point out that his party “control 26 of the 50 governors’ mansions in the country, so of course when you have that many governors in power, you might have a few bad ones. Those are the odds anyway. The American people are just going to accept as part of the risk of electing a Republican for his leadership skills is that those leadership skills will be used to accept free gifts, crush their political opponents, and foist their hard-right agenda on everyone in the state. Or you know, people could move to Kenya and be with President Obama in a couple years.”
Mendacity-Jones says that while she appreciates the RNC’s position that only a handful of Republican governors have shown the outright stupidity it takes to run as a reformer of all that is wrong in government only to become the very thing they rail against, that the people still need to be protected from themselves on some level. “Yes, it’s true,” said Mendacity-Jones at a recent press conference, “that people in red states keep seeming to elect Republicans. In Kansas, they re-elected the guy whose boneheaded tax restructuring has gutted their state’s ability to provide anything of value to the people who live there. So clearly we have to walk a fine line between helping and letting people lay in their own stupid beds they made.” But, says Mendacity-Jones, ultimately Americans look out for each other, and that’s what the GOP Gov Watch program is all about — having each others’ backs.
“Until people in this country start paying attention to more than the letter next to a politician’s name, this kind of stuff is going to keep happening,” Mendacity-Jones told us. “We can’t keep people from voting — we’re not Republicans after all — so all we can do is keep an extra-close eye on the lying, two-faced dipshits they elect so when and if they do start taking bribes and kickbacks, or start otherwise using the authority of their position to hurt their political foes, the GGW will be there to help as best we can.”
With the Republicans controlling all of Congress though, chances are the GGW won’t get the full funding they need, says Mendacity-Jones, but they’ll keep doing what they can. She reminded us that you can lead a fish to water, but you can’t teach them not to vote for an ideologue and blow-hard who is far more concerned with their personal wealth and status than fulfilling anything they promised to do or not do on the campaign trail. That’s why Mendacity Jones says that, “As long as people are duped into voting against their best interests, there will always be a need for the GOP Gov Watch task force, period.”