Confused Evangelical Still Can’t Find Anti-Abortion Verses in Bible

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CORNHOLE FALLS, IDAHO — Chad McMichaels is a 36 year old devout, born again Evangelical Christian. As such, Chad believes that abortion should be illegal because as he says, life begins at conception.

“Though if I’m being honest, I’ve thought about it and it seems that if life begins at conception, you’d have to look at when conception starts to really know when life starts,” Chad told us via Skype this morning, “and that would mean that an erection is when life begins, so I’d actually be fine with saying no abortions passed the point of erection.”

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Mr. McMichaels may be “perfectly content” with his views on reproductive rights as he puts it, however, he told us that he’s also been “totally and completely baffled” by the process of identifying which specific Bible verses mention life beginning at conception, or even the ones that ban abortion for that matter.

“A couple of years ago I was challenged by some smart mouthed little atheist kid to prove to him the Bible says women can’t have an abortion,” Chad told us, “and I’ve been going over every single word in every single verse, and I still can’t find the parts where God forbids women to have an abortion!”

Chad says that he’s “genuinely confused” by the lack of abortion restrictions in the Bible.

“I know one of the Ten Commandments is to not kill, but we have armies that kill people and I eat meat, and I don’t know that God specifically was talking about abortion there,” Chad said, “so I wish he could’ve been a little more direct, but what can you do?”

Oddly, Chad says that he’s found more instances of God threatening to kill unborn babies than he found verses condemning abortion.

“There are verses where God says if his people don’t obey him, he’ll murder their unborn children in their wombs,” Chad said, grossed out, “and he even threatens to make people eat their own unborn babies. That doesn’t sound very pro-life to me, but I’m sure I’m just not interpreting the scripture the way God wants me to. I’ll figure it out.”

Mr. McMichaels says that he’s experienced some troubling feelings during his quest to find the exact biblical quotations that expressly forbid and punish abortion.

“It’s weird because I’m certain that God is as obsessed with what women do with their genitals as I am,” Chad complained, “and yet, I’ve been scouring this book for three years and can’t find the passages that pertain to abortion! I feel exactly how I’d feel if they didn’t exist, but I know they totally exist. I’d be worried that I’ve been simply concerning myself in someone else’s business for no good damn reason, but I’m going to spend another couple years reading every page of the Bible, just in case.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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