Eric Trump Asks His Dad If Stormy Daniels Is His New Sister

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the Trump family say that this weekend, an awkward confrontation between President Trump and his middle son, Eric, took place at the White House. Reportedly, Eric sounded “nervous and scared” when he approached his father with a question he said he was scared to ask, but after being assured by the president he wouldn’t be put on time out or have his Lego taken away, Eric proceeded to ask his question.

“Diddums, is Stormy Daniels my new sister? Because I’ve heard some stories, Diddums, and the first thing I thought of was that it sounded an awful lot like she’s my new sister now,” Eric said. “And you know that change scares me Diddums! I don’t like change, Diddums! I don’t, I don’t!”

Reportedly, the president sat in stunned silence for about a second or a second and a half, which is the longest the world has gone without hearing his voice since he learned to talk.

“Uh, son, well, no. Why would you even think that, Eric? You have only two sisters, Ivanka, and Not Ivanka,” Trump said emphatically. “I’ve never even heard of this Daniel Stormrider guy. Is he in Star Wars or something?”

Eric, twirling a lollipop in his mouth, looked up from his Gameboy.

“Not Daniel Stormrider, Diddums! Stormy Daniels. Mommy Three says she’s some kind of nakies model. Like she gets nakies in front of a camera and Mommy Three says she does big girl stuff for the camera too,” Eric said. “Does Mommy Three mean she does grocery shopping and laundry for the cameras?”

Trump nearly choked on the Diet Coke he was two-handedly drinking.

“Well, um, no, son. Though it does involve loads, but I am telling you I have never heard of this Hurricane Jones or whatever,” President Trump said again. “Now let’s just get back to playing with our blocks. I still don’t understand why you’d even ask if she’s your new sister, though, son.”

Eric explained his thinking to his father.

“My wife read me the newspaper article that had Stormy’s story in it. And she said that you said she reminded you of Ivanka,” Eric said. “Which makes sense because she’s blonde, young, and you wanted to put your Special Purpose in her, just like Sissy. So, Diddums, I just thought maybe I was getting a new Sissy, like when Not Ivanka was born. But, Diddums, I’m more worried that what they’re saying is true, that you used campaign monies to pay Stormy off. That’s illegal Diddums! And you PROMISED you’d stop doing illegal things after you got electeded to presidential status!”

The president laughed and laughed and laughed.

“Oh Eric, you worry too much. Later I’ll have my friend George take you out to the garden and he can tell you about the rabbits,” President Trump said.

Eric’s eyes lit up.

“The rabbits, Diddums? I love the rabbits,” Eric said.

The president nodded.

“Yup, the rabbits, Eric. He’ll tell you allllll about the rabbits,” Trump said.

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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