WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities at this hour are confirming that all four tires on the presidential limo that shuttles President Donald Trump to and from various locations within the nation’s capital have been slashed. Despite this act of vandalism, the Secret Service and FBI have concluded, after consulting with the White House, not to press charges on the perpetrator.

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That’s because the person who slashed the president’s tires is none other than the president’s third most intelligent son, Eric.

“This afternoon, Secret Service agents responded to a call from White House perimeter security. The call indicated that a ‘very stupid looking individual’ was slashing the tires on the president’s town car,” Secret Service Spokesperson Eric Erikstofferson told reporters just moments ago. “At this time, the situation has been cleared, and we can report there were no injuries or fatalities.”

According to Mr. Erikstofferson, when Secret Service agents arrived on the scene, they had the president in tow, despite repeatedly asking him to stay in the Oval Office. However, when they get to the presidential limo, it wound up being fortuitous that President Trump had come with them. Eric Trump, second son of President Donald Trump, was standing in front of the rear driver side tire, a machete in his hands.

“I did it Daddy! I did it,” Eric could be heard shouting for six square blocks surrounding the White House. “I got ’em! Those stupid Never Trumper tires! I popped them all!”

The president, rather than become angry with this unintelligent son, smiled brightly. He waddled over to Eric and patted him on the head. The force from the president’s head made Eric feel like he was “getting danced on by kittens,” he told his father.

“Because your hands are so SMALL, Daddy! You have small hands,” Eric said matter of factly. “Why come my hands aren’t as small, Daddy? Why come my face looks like Uncle Gary, the actor, Daddy?”

The president pretended to not hear his son.

“What? What’s that? I can’t hear you over the helicopter, son,” Trump said, despite the fact that Marine One was not, in fact running its engines at the time. “Great job, Eric! You did a really, really good job! Daddy is proud of you.”

The president threw his son a bag of fruit snacks. Eric tore into the pouch with his teeth, excited to get to its contents. He tilted his head back, and dumped the fruit snacks into his mouth, chewing voraciously. As he walked away, the president asked Secret Service agents to take Eric to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal.

“And when you get back, have the car people put some new tires on the limo,” Trump could be heard shouting to the agents. “Some white walls or something.”

Then, the president turned to White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick, who was nearby, having her brain re-inflated with a blow dryer by Kellyanne Conway.

“Barbie! You get a press release written up. Tell everyone that violent, far-left pro-AOC and pro-Crazy Naancy AntiFa goons broke onto the grounds,” Trump instructed McDitzydick, “and slashed the tires on the car. Tell them I have no choice but to put new tires on the limo, but make sure you leave out the part where they’ll be Chinese-made gifts from President Xi.”

McDitzydick was taking furious notes in her massive binder full of tabs.

“Okay, so you want me to lie to the American people,” McDitzydick asked.

Trump laughed.

“Of course I do,” Trump assured his press secretary.

‘So…just, like, do the same job I always do,” McDitzydick asked.

Trump laughed again. This time, however, he laughed so hard a fart came out, which he blamed on his son Eric, who was already halfway to McDonald’s with the Secret Service. Once more, the president answered his press secretary.

“That’s right, Barbie,” Trump confirmed. “Lie. Lie your flat ass off. Go out there in your expensive suits and skirts, paid for the very same people who you’re going to lie to, and then just lie up a motherfuckin’ storm.”

McDitzydick nodded her head in understanding.

“Oh, but Barbie? One thing,” Trump called after McDitzydick, who turned around and smiled at him. “Make sure to tell them you’re not lying though. That’s really key. My base needs to hear you tell them you’re not lying, right before you lie, okay?”

McDitzydick again smiled and nodded and headed back into the White House to prepare that day’s spate of mendacitities to spew from the briefing room podium.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.