Eric Bolling Calls for Government Operations Committee to Investigate Sesame Street

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News host Eric Bolling really doesn’t trust the writers, actors and puppeteers of “Sesame Street,” and he is calling on the U.S. Government to revive a long-dead special congressional committee to investigate the Children Television Workshop and its flagship children’s show for what he believes are its “deep, clear, and obvious communist ties.”

Bolling first brought up his beef with Cookie Monster and company on an episode of the morning show he hosts, “Fox & Friends.” Speaking to Fox’s token person of color liberal Juan Williams, Mr. Bolling said that when “Sesame Street” makes its debut on HBO this month that  it “move away from the left-wing communist diatribe they put out every single day.” Though Williams scoffed at the notion, Bolling apparently wasn’t content to blast the show once.

On a conservative podcast later that day, Bolling doubled-down on his anti-Big Bird rhetoric. “You can tell the whole show is just  liberal commie hogwash,” Bolling told the show’s host, “because they’re teaching kids letters, numbers, shapes, and how to deal with each other in non-superficial ways that allow for better human interaction.” Bolling called that approach “a load of Cultural Marxist baloney.”

“The founders knew,” Mr. Bolling told reporters, “that only by not teaching kids how to count or read, and by ingraining in them a deep distrust of people — especially if they are different looking or worship a different made-up deity than you, can you truly have a great, more perfect union.” Bolling said “the original founding father, Ronald Reagan, would be rolling over in his grave” if he knew “the kind of nonsense — like sharing and caring — this show pumps out.”

That’s when Bolling told the media he is calling on congress to revive the Government Operations Committee to investigate “Sesame Street.”  The GOC was famously used as the courtroom of choice for Senator Joseph McCarthy’s crusade against communism, and Bolling said he believes that Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), would be a natural choice to lead it now. “I want him to ask questions directly of those commies over there to really expose them for who they are. Are you now, Oscar the Grouch,  or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? That kinda stuff.”

“Bert and Ernie have shared the same apartment for decades,” Bolling said, “and they swear they’re not into each other sexually. So clearly they are living in some kind of hippie commune under the stairs there, and they need to be rooted out and sent packing to Moscow.”

Representatives from Senator Cruz’s office said that he’d be “delighted to lead another Quixotic crusade against something that doesn’t need crusading against,” but that he was “focused on the presidential campaign at the moment, but will pivot to how disgustingly anti-American Sesame Street is once he is sworn in and will issue an executive order to sell Sesame Street to the highest bidding commercial developer.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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