To Celebrate Earth Day, EPA Chief and President Trump Double-Team Inflatable Globe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While thousands of scientists and science education advocates march around the country on Earth Day to protest cuts in his budget to research and other scientifically-oriented programs, President Donald Trump and EPA head Scott Pruitt have been taking turns having sex with an inflatable globe of the Earth.

“This is how we celebrate the Earth in my administration,” Trump was seen by aides telling Mr. Pruitt, who as the Oklahoma attorney general filed several lawsuits against the same EPA he’s now head of, while he stripped off his clothes and let the EPA chief into the Oval Office. Trump closed the door behind him, leaving himself alone with Pruitt and a handful of Trump’s top people.

Pruitt laughed with delight as Trump pulled out an inflatable globe and began blowing it up. Half-way through, though, he seemed tired. Exasperated, he called for help.

“This is so strange, I’m in the best shape of my life, or really anyone’s life, just look at me,” Trump said, “but I’m running out of breath. Must be because of how enormous this globe is.”

The globe, sources would later say, was of average size, at best.

“You need some help, Mr. President,” Pruitt asked, reaching for the globe.

Trump nodded, but he didn’t hand the globe to Pruitt. Instead he pushed a small button he’d had installed on the Oval Office desk. His daughter Ivanka came strolling in.

“Ivanka honey, I need you to blow – ” Trump started to say when Ivanka sighed deeply.

“Again Daddy,” Ivanka said, “but I’m never going to get this new line of cheap merchandise we’re going to hock in Asia approved by the Chinese president guy if I have to stop every ten minutes for Daddy/Daughter Pink Pony Rides!”

Trump laughed.

“No, my darling First Lady,” the president insisted, “not that. Not now. Later for that. I just need your blowing ability to blow up this globe.”

President Trump handed his daughter the globe. Ivanka spent five minutes huffing and puffing into it. With each breath, her chest heaved. Trump nudged Pruitt and whispered something in his ear at one point. Pruitt seemed utterly shocked by what Trump had whispered, mentioned something about it “being illegal in most states” and then tried to shift the topic to Earth Day.

“Can you believe these cucks,” Pruitt asked, using a word he knew Trump would recognize from his daily Breitbart briefings, “actually telling us that climate change is real. As if decades of data and peer reviewed studies can be trusted over our capitalistic urges to rape, pillage, and plunder the planet until there’s nothing left but a smoking heap of rubble.”

Trump wasn’t paying attention. His eyes were still locked on his daughter’s chest.

“What, Scott? What,” Trump asked, “what was that?”

“Nothing sir,” Pruitt responded; he knew it was of no use, aides say. Once President Trump starts fixating on his daughter’s body, very little will get his attention back. Once Ivanka had finished blowing up the inflatable globe, she handed it to her father, who gave her a playful pat on her right buttock which seemed to last at least ten seconds too long.

Trump then excused everyone from the room except Pruitt.

“You ready to do this, Scott,” Trump asked.

Mr. Pruitt beamed.

“Does this boner tell you anything, Mr. President,” Pruitt asked, pointing to his pants zone.

Trump smiled broadly.

“Alright, as president, I get first dibs of course,” Trump said, “now, let’s treat this thing like we’re going to treat the real planet. Also let’s treat it like Helga, the Russian piss whore my heart truly belongs to.

“What, sir,” Pruitt asked.

“Nothing, Scott. Let’s just put our dicks in this fake, inflatable earth,” Trump said, “as a symbol of our lust for getting what we want above all else. Because we’re disgusting pricks with horrific dicks.”

The White House declined comment on this story.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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