BOCA CALLÀ, FLORIDA — Top Republican engineers at this hour are reportedly performing the final shut down sequences for Marco-D2, an experimental droid built by the GOP establishment to run against Donald J. Trump for their party’s presidential nomination.
After disappointing finishes in all but one state — Minnesota — in the Republican primary thus far, sources are telling the media that the design team that built Marco-D2 have pinpointed several key, fatal design flaws that must be “reworked” if Marco-D2 is to be rolled-out again four to eight years.
“Well, first we had that really weird repeating glitch everyone saw in the debate with Chris Christie,” one anonymous source said, “and then there’s the fact that his likability algorithm is so broken that Ted Cruz has been soundly beating him. Cancer and AIDS rank higher in favorability polling than Cruz does, and yet somehow Marco-D2 was even more repulsive to voters than Ted is.” The anonymous engineer said that he and his team are considering adding “a lot more doucheyness” into Marco-D2’s programming next time since “that’s clearly what Republican voters want.”
Another highly-placed source whose name rhymes with Beince Beibus told reporters he was “absolutely horrified” by the Super Tuesday results that showed Marco-D2 meltdown and fail to complete his programming in nearly every single state.
“We all know that Donald Trump represents the Four Bewigged Horseman of the Republican Apocalypse,” Biebus told us, “because even if he wins, the country will be so horrified they’ll unite against him and after four years — if he makes it that long — he will have drug us down into the soft, stinky, brown stuff we’ve built our party’s legacy on over the last three decades.” Biebus said that he’s “hopeful” with a few more years of tweaking, Marco-D2 will “have the perfect balance of socially conservative views from the 1830’s and economic ideas from the 1880’s” because “that’s what being a modern Republican is all about.”
Still, Biebus told us, Super Tuesday wasn’t a complete failure for Marco-D2; there were some bright spots.
“We fixed the leaking hydraulic motor that kept his mouth moving and empty talking points spewing out,” Biebus told us, “and even though he placed abysmally in nearly every state, he was able to do so without having to be plugged into a wall outlet most of the night like he was in Iowa. It’s the little things, I know.”
Trump, having dominated Super Tuesday, sent a short note to Marco-D2.
“Dear Marco-D2, heard you’re getting powered down. I just wanted to thank you for a spirited race, and say with all due respect, and to quote the first and greatest Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, ‘Suck it, suck it hard, suck it all night long,'” the note said.