Engineers Frantically Adding Five New Talking Points to Marco Rubio’s Programming

NEXT SPRING, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Top engineers at time of publication are frantically working to program Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) with five fresh, new canned 25-second speeches about America.

The effort is underway after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie exposed the flaw in Rubio’s programming during the New Hampshire primary debate. Computer programmers at the Koch Institute of Governmental Commerce say that when Rubio repeated the same talking points about “Obama knowing exactly what he was doing,” it was because Christie had found a back door method they had left in place to check Rubio’s programming before shipping him from the factory.

“We had no idea the Check Talking Points command was still active,” Philip Morrison, lead programmer, told reporters, “but that is exactly what you saw happen up there. Marco’s was running an internal diagnostic test to make sure his tone generator was functioning correctly, and it was, but we only had time to put one speech about Obama fundamentally changing America into his databank, and frankly his cybernetic brain capacity is pretty small anyway, so to save space we just gave him the one, stale, speech.”

Now, though, Morrison says that he and his team of programmers have mined the depths of conservative political speeches of the last forty years and have created five “really good” additional talking points.

“Well, he’ll definitely say ‘tax and spend’ a lot more after the software update,” Morrison said, “and we realized that his other speech didn’t use the word ‘liberal’ or even the more accepted variant ‘libtard’ either; we’ve corrected that.” Morrison said they’ve also created 25 second speeches that attack Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and just in case he decides to enter the race late, Vice President Biden.

“There’s really only so much room in his cyborg brain to fit stuff,” Morrison said, “he’s a Republican model after all. They have smaller storage but higher-tuned rhetoric and dogma controls. So we’re hoping that five more attack phrases will be enough to last Rubio until the general election, when we can get him into mothballs and do a full re-write of his political language engine.”

Rubio had picked up quite a bit of pre-debate buzz after finishing third in the Iowa caucuses and gaining ground on New Hampshire front runner Donald Trump. But the overwhelming majority of those who have analyzed his performance say this debate was a disaster for the Floridian.

“We feel just bad that Christie found the code loop and exploited it,” Morrison said, “and Chuck an Dave will be furious about that. But we think the new program we’ve got in there will at leastlast Marco another few weeks until his shallow programming is exposed again. This is just how politics works now.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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